venting

i was asked to go and visit someone's blog just now.. and i guess it just struck me how interesting everybody else's life seems. seems i would suppose is the keyword here, but i guess i wouldn't really know, now, would i? and i guess i've been feeling rather crummy in terms of self-worth lately. which is something i know i really shouldn't, but i do.

i dont really know.. while some things have begun to pick up in ways that i could only haf imagined.. [and never thought possible].. other things are plummetting and i find myself getting really rather depressed. common tests.. and common test results.. and the PTM today. i dont noe. not a very good series of events. and then there's that.. i dont want this to be my last jc year feeling. im just settling in and getting used to jc life.. and learning to love it. i dont want to come face to face with A Level's this year.. i've forgotten how it was with the O Level's.. and i dont feel the extreme need to be reminded either. and yet.. it has presented itself, unrequested. bah.

i wonder if it's just me.. or the 'the grass is always greener on the other side' theory playing out. the issue of controversy.. [as i think of history].. i guess would be whether the grass is really greener or not. but what a trivial, idiotic thing to be thinking about. the common tests were shitty. i didn't study hard enough.. i didn't take enough care to prepare as best as i could. it was rushed and there wasn't enough time, but still. and i therefore performed really badly and got atrocious results. results im ashamed to say i got. results which make me feel like an idiot. results that make me wonder why i chose the subjects i chose. and how in the world im going to make it to A Level's with a decent set of grades. results that make me want to cry. when i think about it.. i know why i didn't do well, i mean.. minimal effort translates to not very spectacular grades, doesn't it?

there's 223 days left before A Level's.. and im scared shit-less. but im still not able to find nough time in the day to study properly. im still tempted to go online and to spend time online blogging. im still procrastinateing with some of my work. im still doing those things which i have a drive to do first, for fear that trying to do the things which i lack drive for.. will waste more time and not allow me to get to the things which i do have drive for. but that's no good either.. because the things that i dont have the drive for.. only get chucked aside.. and the mountain's building up. just like itz good friend, the pressure.

caves in on me.. that im the only kid, despite being the oldest, that probably gives mom and dad the most to worry about. and i hate that. i swear i nearly cried when mr leong brought up shooting at the ptm. that's not fair.. cos that really really hurt. i try bloody hard for shooting.. and even take it more seriously than it should be taken.. apparently. but.. it doesn't show. dont you think i know that im the bloody lousiest in the team?.. dont you think i know that while u guys are probably going to send me for the competition, its only because there isn't anyone else to send? dont you think i know.. and feel lousy about it? i train harder than mel and char.. and im okay with that.. because i know itz because i dont have that base talent that they have. but dont you think i hate knowing that my score will probably be the one that pulls down the whole score of the team?

and yet.. i dont want to blame mr leong for that. i guess he's a teacher and he's just bringing up what he sees as a possible problem and an area for me to fix. if it was only so easy to fix. and i've thought as much myself.. but it just really hurt hearing it from someone else as well i guess. and technically, it shouldn't, but it does.

and mom.. i swear.. i was just trying to help finish the kway teow like you said. and all i said was that if i try to eat supper.. dont allow me to. and she just had to bring in if you have enough discipline you dont have to rely on other people.. blah blah blah. i swear, totally un-necessary, totally un-related. and at the same time.. i can't say anything. i can't perform and show her that im doing fine, she therefore automatically gets the rights to patronise me and say whatever she wants. and i can't do anything. wonderful.

going to try and set a few resolutions which are going to apply from now on. resolutions:

im going to be going online a lot less from now on.

[which probably means fewer entries too, but what's new huh? not many people come by here anymore anyway]

going to sleep by 12.30 or latest 1am.

[i REALLY can't sleep in class anymore, i swear i'll just kill myself]

got to have at least 3 solid hours of studying per night.

[wednesdays i shall take as a break i guess] shall try and spend one of those three hours revising something or other.

i dont know.. in some ways.. the past two weeks have been wonderful. there've been "developments" [for lack of a better word] which i never thought would have happened.. and i guess though i dont really know where itz headed, at least.. things are moving. and im glad. more glad than u could know. but.. im still trying to figure it out. trying to be less obvious than i've already been being from last year. trying to figure out what pride will keep me from doing, what pride i've still got left despite knowing that someone knows.

and through all of this nonsense.. im so glad for wednesdays. that there's bible sharing and meeting up with people who've come to be close friends and confidantes of mine. for people i can lean on and call or whine to when im feeling in the pits. wednesday nights keep me going.

and today, i feel like a useless bum who doens't deserve all she's got. and tomorrow's already sunday. no, itz past 12am already. today is sunday. wow.

do me a favour and dont bother about this entry. im fine.. im just using the blog for what it was always meant to be used for. venting.