flood

I HAD A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION THANKS TO T9 peepz and son. :]
thank you for making the day wonderful.



well.. results are out.
i didn't do half bad. but i am a little disappointed that i didn't get any A's. especially given the hard push i gave for my history.
but hey.. two bs and a d aint bad at all.

sigh.
truth is.. i was a lil sad when i first got back my results.
scared, because if i realli think about it.. my results aren't realli that great. especially not compared to my sister's six points for her o levels.
but then.. i just took comfort in that fact that it realli was quite okae.. rather comfortable score which shld b able to get me where i wanna go. [the task of deciding where that will be, is however a totally different matter]

but when mom called and said she was happy..
a weight lifted.
i became glad after that.. one of the things which i told god when i was praying before the results came back is that i dont want to let mum and dad down.
i noe im the one they always fight about.
i noe that they may not necessarily conciously compare me to van.. but it's there.. right out in the open for anyone to see.

well.. so i was glad after that that i hadnt let them down. and ms koh said my grades were good, mum happy and mak-ko happy.
esp seeing as how some friends were rather sad abt their results, i didn't see why i should have any right to feel upset at mine.

but they fought about me again last night.
i hate the state of my relationship with my mom.
it sucks.
mis-communication. sucks.
fuckit. the dense woman stuck in her pragmatist ways cant see that what i need is a mother not a damn frigging boss.
gosh.
dont always read two steps ahead can??
i dont always do things thinking more than one step ahead, the unofficial things especially.

i didn't mean to do what you thought.
i would never have sent in the applicaiton without running it by you.
and i onli did that cos i thought that was what you were asking me to do.
you're always nagging me to get things done and use it as a measure of my enthusiasm towards it and how much i want it.
and i did do some groundwork.. i had specifically told you just earlier in the day.

and then as expceted dad comes down to talk to me later.
onli he wants me to go back up and start over.. show her everything i've done.
fuckit.
you didnt even wanna listen to me when i go up.
and then after i go down.. you quarrel about me with dad.
i can FUCKING hear you from the bottom of the spiral staircase.

FUCKING SHIT lah.
talk to ME if u wanna figure out wad i meant.
and from the stupid incident.. you can go on to talking about my thought process.. about how i always screw up instructions.
INSTRUCTIONS.. i must be sme fucking robot.
you wont stand for that, you wont stand for this.
you dont wanna hold my hand.
and you think im emulating mak-ko.
CMON!!.

yeah.. she's my mom figure.. but that's cos you're just too busy being the friggin BOSS figure.. and i never set you up for that.
mak-ko laughs at me, laughs with me, laughs at herself.
and accepts that im not the most clear-minded person there is on the face of the earth.
but im not even emulating her. good grief.. of all things.. to think you cld say a thing like that.

-you noe.. it's funny how you can specifically try your best to avoid a certain situation, but easily find yourself right smack in it.

CHOICES.
bull shit.
pple always always say they want freedom of choice.
but whenever choices have to be made, do you even realise the huuge headache it creates?

how difficult it is to actually make that choice?
especially in tiny little singapore which is ever-kiasu and ever-competitive.
where each option will obviously try to make itself the most attractive.

Have you ever watched that "Friend's" advertisement on star world?
the food or sex debate.
which one would you rather give up > food or sex?

and joey can't deicide..
he goes food.. sex.. food.. sex.. food.. sex
I DONT KNOW!!
I WANT BOTH.

I WANT WOMEN ON BREAD!!

the universal reaction is to laugh.
but joey's reaction is very human.
so human, it's scary.
because im in his position now.

I DONT MEAN ABOUT FOOD VS SEX.
but i mean about uni choices.

i want direct honours.
but i dont want a whole bunch of cheenas.
i want to try tourism and hospitality perhaps.
but i dont want to be separate from all my friends. [who are going to the other uni]

I WANT DIRECT HONOURS AND TOURISM AND HOSPITALITY AND ALL MY FRIENDS DAMMNIT.

but you can't have it all.
and i dont know what im going to do.

CONSEQUENCES
i was having a talk with mark the other day and so many random topics came up because he had called on tues night to keep me from worrying about the results due on wednesday.
and the topic of consequences came up.

with regards to anything in life.. there are consequences.
fact of life.
everybody noes it.

there are some people who are extremely straightforward and will tell smeone to their face, if they like them.
i will never be one of those people.
im onli human.. the consequences kill my guts.

and smetimes.. you have to see what the situation is like.
be fair to the other person.
what's the use of confessing if you dont mean to get together?
if you realise that it can't work, or that you dont even noe why you like that person.. or if you know instinctively that the other person doesn't reciprocate.. honestly i ask you.. just what is the point in confessing??!!

this is the stuff which kills friendships.
which breeds awkward-ness.
are you willing to risk all that??

every once in awhile.. i get the slightest itch.. to confess things to certain pple.. apologise to some.. confess to others.. but i dont.
why??
cos the apology wldn't make a difference and it hardly matters cos i'll nvr see him anymore and it's not like he cares anyway.
cos the confession wldn't make a difference. we're so incompatible and it's obviously not reciprocated.
as it is.. i single-handedly bred the awkwardness on my own. tackling it is already a hand full but we get on fine msot of the time now..
im not about to do anything to risk making that worse.


23: i saw you on wednesday when we went back to get results.
it's almost strange to see you again.
i bet you dont noe im still smewhat drawn.
i wish you would've bothered to come over and ask how i did.
and then i cursed at myself for that thought.
end of chapter.
now.. i will surely never see you again.
fine and dandy.
i wish you well anyway.

darth vader: piece of shit.
i hate that we hadta combine classes for the stupid release of result slips.
i hate that i had to see you.
i heard from smeone about ur grades.
i dont even noe wad possessed me to ask.
i dont care.
but curiosity just got the better of me.
now.. i will surely never see you again.
fine and dandy.
a part of me wishes you well.
the other part.. wishes you nothing.

jra: i msged to ask you how you did.
and you didn't answer.. but smehow.. i wanted to noe.
plus.. i care a little more i guess.
as a friend.
so i called.. and you answered and we talked a bit.
thanks.
it made me happy.
funny.. the effect you still have on me.

dell was so cute.. when we were in the canteen.. warned me not to look left cos ssr was there. but i said, it's okae.. im way over him already. and i am.
while we were walking towards the pac.. i pointed out to her the one i can't get over yet. the one on the left.
hah.
funny how things go.

on sat.. we're celebrating my birthday. ALIVE [church group]
dinner smewhere and then clubbing at mos.
jra's gonna be there.. i told mark to expect an email from me after that. [since he wont b in singapore for me ta call and chat with]

the kind of shit i get myself into.
i noe.. already.. that im going to hurt.
that there will be some kind of awkward occurrence.
but, truth is.. i'd be absolutely disappointed if he were to not turn up.
absolutely, thoroughly and definitely.

just as surely.. im sure.. i will feel the same pain i get everytime i see him.
everytime we have a church group thingy.
i noe it even tho it's onli friday.
it's not even saturday yet but it doesn't matter.
i noe it. for a fact.
i noe myself well.

the sadistic part?
im looking forward to saturday still.