u-p-d-a-t-e URGENT!!

GOSH!!!.. this is like my first REAL post in the longest time.

im soooo soooo sooooo soooo sorry.
it's just tt i've really not had much time.
been running around from one thing to another thing and with very little receovery time in between.
even now as im typing this entry, im struggling to keep from rubbing my eyes, just in case, as mom always warns, they pop out from the force with which i rub.
but.. they're terribly itchy!!.. and i noe tt means tt i've really not been sleeping enough.

family holiday to austria. tt was lovely.
the snow, and skiing lessons and the skiing instructor. ROFL jkjking lah.
the pple were mostly friendly and we all had a good time.

church trip to thailand.
well.. i must say, it was quite an experience.
as far as the church trip is concerned, there were plenty and plenty of ups and downs through-out the whole process of its planning and, as it turned out, even through-out the trip itself.
all in all, it turned out well.
not what we had originally expected, espcially since the last BIG change came about onli a few days before we actually left Singapore, it was quite worrying and im realli thankful for all the pple that prayed for us and helped us along.

shit lah im rubbing my eyes like crazy. i've got to go to bed soon.

but before that, i must type down that the trip also made a great emotional impact on me. and i dont mean just the spiritual growth stuff.

jra, before the trip i was already beginning to feel sad. the signs were kind of obvious. i was just a diehard, pitting hope agst hope that it wasn't all as it seemed. i began to tell myself tt i shld just give up already.
the trip was meant to be one last opportunity to see if there realli was any chance at all, or whether i had read it all wrong, once more.

i prayed while we were in thailand, at the chapel the 1st day, that god wld help me find an answer. cos i didn't noe wad i was doing, wad i was feeling.. and whether it was in any way reciprocated. and true enough, god gave me my answer. ask and you shall receive, indeed indeed.

and as aunt says, god doens't necessarily give you wad you want, but he'll give you wad you need.
i got my answer when we all had a drinking night.
played drinking games and as pple said things and asked qns and dug up dirt, i realised.. that i cannot like u anymore.

let's just say that a lot of things came out.
more than i was ready to hear, in fact.
at the beginning, i drank some too, but i made sure to drink lots of water.
but as we progressed, and more details started to come out.. i cldn't take it. i wanted to drink. and i downed the drinks more rapidly. still tried to drink more water, but well. i sort of wanted to get drunk.
to not hear all that was being said.
to disappear and pretend i cldn't hear.

it hurt.
too much.

and, to be honest, it still does.
hurt.

i dont noe when it'll stop.

jra: once upon a time, i thought 'maybe'.. there used to be some degree of chemistry, i thought.. and it was realli nice for awhile.
but then you started to fade away, i recognised the devaju.. and tried to pull awae, but my stubborn hope jus cldn't die.
cept that now, i've learned just how incompatible we are.
you.. are a playboy.
there's nth particularly despicable or wrong about the way you are, but its just agst everything and anything tt i can ever accept.
my ultra conservatism can never swallow it down.
and i've come to see, just how little we have in common.

i refused to cry tt night. my pride wldn't allow it.

im sad. cos i've learned that yet another crush, cannot be.
and yet, i feel quite stupid typing all of this.

i refused to be seen in my drunken state by you after that.
i stopped all my engineering from the next day onwards.
and everything got.. more awkward than it was before.

i still like you, and maybe always will, but.. its different now.
i wish we had more in common.
i miss our phone conversations and the msging.
i miss having smeone to like.

im noe back to that awful phase i hate, where i dont realli have anybody to like.

and then i see tt box pop up, to tell me that u've just come online.
just for the sake of it, i try to chat, just so i can get to ask how the drinking was.
the gathering tt i wasnt invited to.
i hate the exclusion, by the wae.
even though, it wasn't called by you.
it hurts.

every good reason, but for the moment, expect tt i wont see all the reasons now.
im an over-sensitive, over-reading piece of shit now.
jealous tt another can clique so well with you and i can't.

extreme jealousy. you sent her home??
why?
pure gentlemanli-ness? or more?

see, this is madness.
and im going mad.
because in spite of everything, i still do like you to some extent.
even though it hurts.
emotional suicide.

stupid girl.
they do live nearby you noe.
and it is relatively late.

still, i hate the idea.
and i wish it could have been me.

were you ever that gentlemanly for me?
beyond tt single day and treating of haagen daz, i dont rmbr anymore.
and yet, that was the day that started to build more hope in me.

and this is madness.
i dont noe where this leads.

what ever happened to the yellow brick road?
i want my red shoes, to click and chant "there's no place like home", however many times it takes.

can the wizard of oz give me love?
i quite doubt it.

god gives the eraser.
but the eraser onli rubs out the mark, the scar remains.
and takes time to heal.
but first, i have to stop picking at it.

but i'll keep seeing you at meetings.
will this wound ever close?
easier for me if i nvr saw you again.
waste of a friendship, but what is our friendship now?

i wish you'd bother to ask about my day, or how i've been.
but nothing comes.
i am, emotionally spent.
i can't take this anymore.
and as i tear, im leaving to go to bed.

just a tear.
and then no more.
i promise myself.

*im a toot-head.
dont noe why the hell im being so damn melo-/dramatic.
no need for any added concern.
i'll survive, cannot die one lah.