she doubts.

she realises.. that she can't do this animore. all this damn obsession.. and yes, no running away, that's what it is indeed. is bloody unhealthy. and its stupid, silly, idiotic, and i say again: stupid, silly, idiotic. she can't try and try to engineer.. she wants ultimately.. to be charmed, and while she'd like to entertain the thought of such possibilities, she notes that she doesn't absolutely need to be charmed at this juncture. at this juncture.. all she wanted.. was to be able to talk decently.. to hold conversations of reasonable length and topic and exchange. to not have to feel so bloody conscious of herself every single time u pop out. [yet.. is tha tnot part and parcel of liking smeone?] smth which.. she thinks she has sort of finally achieved.. but my goodness.. the amount of effort SHE had to put in.

she begins to wonder why she's carried on bothering and trying to engineer when things are moving in such a wierd direction. at some points.. she can't help wondering if things have moved at all. but at the same time.. when she looks back at where she started, to some extent, she can't really complain too much. but sometimes, instead of going straight.. we moved in a zig-zag fashion.. and that kind of confused her. [and no doubt, still does]..

she hates the way you affect her. [and you dont even have to really do anything much].. she's hated the way she's turned green three times recently.. and the bitchiness that came out as a result. she turned green, not because she thought they were your attachments.. but more because of the way that you are with them that you aren't with her. she couldn't help but notice.. and of course, she knew, you knew she was looking. [just as you've known for a long time now] she's hated that awkward feeling [for an eternity] because she knows that probably.. almost your whole class knows. most of all.. she hates the effect she lets you have on her.. and how she's been structuring her days to try and have YOU in them.

so i guess this is all about self-hate. she's come to the conclusion.. that since she'd probably never have the guts to clear the air properly with you... and knowing that you'd never ask.. she's going to TRY.. to simply distance herself. she won't totally dao you.. she'll jus stop her engineering attempts and stop going out of her way just to catch the slightest glimpse of you. she'll still be nice when she sees you and as long as you're nice back, she'll be fine.

obsession's not healthy anyway. and maybe, she's attempting to salvage some pride.. and maybe she's attempting to see if she can still find who she is.. without you in the picture. cold treatment?.. maybe.. but she would have hoped that you'd know by now.. that she doens't know/ have it in her.. to be warm in awkward situations. she's engineered quite enough. ultimately.. she needs to be charmed. she's never believed in the girl being the charm-er. so maybe she lives in the world of romantic make-believe.. which only exists in novels and the minds of the idealists.

and at the same time.. she wonders how long this new resolve will last. and if she'll be able to keep it up. she wonders if it'll make things worse.. only able to console herself that things have never really been concretely, consistently good so far. she wonders if it's for the better of for the worse.. or if u'll even take any notice. she wonders if it'd matter to you at all.. if u'd give it a second thought or even wonder why. and instinctively.. judging by her stupidity and idiocy in the whole issue, she guesses that the answer is 'no'.

she's already anticipating gloomier days.. for the highs that interaction/incidences with you, gave her.. were her daily supplements. let the withdrawal begin. can awkward be any awkward than she's already experienced? she doubts. and yet dreads tomorrow for the uncertainty of whether she'll be able to handle what comes. and more importantly.. handle herself in relation to you.