drained. heart, brain, emotions.

i guess im in a kinda sadistic mode.

for sme reason i felt the need to have music accompany me tonight as i write this entry. and i've chosen to put a particular song on repeat.. [jus tt one song]
-You're beautiful by james blunt.

im in another wanna cry mood again tonight.
problems with parents AGAIN.

i swear.. its been nothing but stress since the A's ended for me.
yesterday i was seriously thinking.. can i just go back to having A's?
it was so much more fucking easy.

that's the other thing. i've sworn more in these past 2 days then i have in my whole entire life so far.
brace urself for another expletive-filled entry. [dont say i didn't warn you]
it helps me keep it together.. but damn, im sure its not healthy.
but i swear.. its one of the main things helping me to keep sane amidst all this stress.

on the one hand.. i admit.. yes, i AM partly to blame.
but its not like im purposely trying to create trouble.
i mean dammit.. god noes as far as i can.. i wld rather not claim money.. and tt as far as i can i wld rather not bring smth up unless i had to.

and GOD KNOWS i've tried.. and tried SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to put things together as best as possible to 'present' to them [more specifically mom]

but its so fucking tiring and stressful.
its always a fucking fuck presentation.
what the hell is family for if they can't see you in the broken pieces??
arent they supposed to be the ones whom you can count on to help put you together?
why is it that with HER i hafta be whole before i show myself?!

its fucking stressful.
plus.. its damn fucking difficult.
cos it aint bloody easy to be fucking whole.
sure.. in dad's words.. logic is of extreme importance to you. fine and dandy.. seems to work fine for you.. cept tt everytime i try to communicate with you there's this fucking barrier which makes me fucking nervous.
cos i hafta abide by ur same fucking rules of logic.. and i dont always work that wae.
which prevents me from explaining properly.
and even when i try my best.. it just doesn't quite cut it, does it?!
and you just get the impression that im fucking trying to hide smth.

there's a HUUGE blinking red sign which reads:
what are the fucking DETAILS?
WHO is going?
HOW?
WHY?

im a person who works on IMPULSE.. A LOT.
and well.. my friends are like that too.
its not like im gonna try anything stupid.
god noes.. im NOT the wild one.

the barrier is my fault.
but dont you question how come i can share with dad, mak ko and van freely.
you make it so fucking difficult.
and this is everytime tt we're talking about.
i have different tastes, principles, ideas and tendencies from you.
you onli make me want to AVOID you.

what you think im purposely trying to "beat about the bush" to put you down the "path of agony" as you slowly find out the truth the roundabout way?!!
[note: "" = her words]
either way, im on the LOSING END of the fucking stick.
you think i ENJOI this??!!

my bad relationship with mum.. has just been laid out plainly for the whole family to see.
everybody already knew.. its just that suddenly.. since all exams are over.. everybody's suddenly trying to TALK things over and find solutions.
its so fucking tiring.
yesterday already.. was so fucking painful.
had to carefully extract all hints of wayward tone or rolled eyes.
thnk god for mark and char allowing me to bitch to them or i wld never have made it through and kept my sanity.
-onli to go thru another fucking rollercoaster day apparently.. as i found out.
i have talked to so many pple, so many times todae.
mak-ko, dad, mum..

fuck lah.
why do impressions and presentation have to count so much with you?
here's a newsflash for you:
I TEND TO THE ILOGICAL.
that's why you dont know squat about me.
cos i cant explain to you.
and even if i tried.. you simply wldn't be able to get it.

first the make up, then the dress, then the alteration, then the shoes.
the hair will NOT be next. buzz off.

i've come to realise a few things.
- im getting fucking sick of talking with people about how i view mum and trying to dissect where the miscommunication between us stemmed from.
- i absolutely cannot wait till i get my own room.
- i need a spending allowance.

with regards to prom, things are slowly coming together in a very constipated way.
and im finding SO many fucking obstacles along the way.

and its making me feel so fucking bad cos i keep having to inconvenience and trouble my friends.
char and sarah tee and sarah rod and dell and mark were my angels todae, i swear.
if not for these pple.. i might as well have gone to find sme wae to kill myself by now.
and also for their help in their opinions regarding that other thing. or rather shld i sae person, who's baffling me.

why are parents being so difficult now?
i mean i didn't push myself thru A's to be met with this kinda shit.
like LET UP and give me some fucking space to breathe and have a good time.
im trying here.
and yes.. i admit i am definitely damn short fuse now cos you gotta understand.. this period and all the visions and plans of things i gotta get together and things im gonna do, is one of the CORE things which have helped to me last and get thru the A's. and you're fucking spoiling all of it.
its just realli turning out so fucking different from how i thought it would be.

and a part of me is like.. what the hell did i work so hard for.. if i can't even be allowed to njoy a little and do things my own way now??!!

darth vader: you're such a jackass. how could u and the other fuckers in ur class do that to dell? [they laughed at her as they passed by the salon cos she was getting a treatment done and had her hair wrapped in cling foil]
you, fucking prick that you are, apparently even bent over double laughing.
like what the fuck!
you make me sick!
you best pray that ur table is no where near mine for prom.
and you best pray that i dont do anything.

jra: i dont noe what to do. its almost malooating to tell pple whom i had told before abt maybe liking you.. abt yest. they laugh. im not sure if i can seriously like smeone quite like that. im not sure of everything all over again.
and at first.. you didn't even reply my msg.. and i began to think, seriously.. a closed chapter. has to be.
but you just started to chat.. and slowly i find myself wondering.
but no.. i tell myself no.
this isn't anything. and im less sure than ever, of whether this realli has any chance of happening.
this isn't anything.
i cant allow myself to think it is.
it isn't.
we're friends. that's just fine. for the time being at least.. im leaving it at this.
i forgot and didn't get a chance to talk to drea. she didn't reply my msg either. well.. we'll see abt tmr.

i've still got a headache.
t9 is going to sentosa tmr and i CANT join them.
i've got four blisters frm my heels. cos i haven't gone out in them and walked arnd extensively for a long time.
and i am drained.. so utterly.

i feel bad.
very very bad.
for all the trouble i've caused my friends..
and partly.. for all this shit.
cos some of it.. was brought about by me.

dad got me a new mp3 player todae.
sony.. didn't get the nano.
well then we came home and he subsequently had two looong talking sessions with me.. which has seriously drained me.
he's trying to mediate.

a part of me thinks.. god bless him. for trying.
the other part.. is just saying.. pls stop. you're just adding to the pain in my brain. and its not helping things very much... cos the wall btw mum and i is already so high and so solid.

i realise.. tt im back to not having anyone to like.
and i dont quite know what to make of it.
but at the same time.. i guess this is best at the moment.
for survival.
for sanity.
for the sake of keeping my heart in one piece.
at this juncture aniwae.. i realli think i haven't a choice.. its just better this wae.

im tired. but my headache is a pain. it wont let me sleep.
the music's not helping.
this entry has but.. its such a whiny bitchy entry, i feel sorry for anyone who tries to read.

i need to go for confession. badly.
maybe i shld try to go to evening mass tmr.

i wish i could just get them to understand.
*them = parents [and esp mom]