not what i had thought it [you] would be.

its happened. come and gone.

A'S are over.

yay.

but im onli deflated now.
i felt the 'YAY!!!' earlier in the dae, trust me i realli did. my wallet will happily tell you as much.

the retail therapy which helped revive me.
and the company of friends.
the freedom of laughing as loudly as i want.
cos everybody's also laughing with me.

but on the wae home..
another disappointment added to the ones before it. [forgive the stark irrelevance]

coming home and helping van get ready for her outing was fun.

but then.. everything fell apart after dinner.
e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

in the words of dad.. i've "gone and done it again"
gotten mum pissed at me. A_G_A_I_N.
and i feel a very bruce almighty moment coming on..
B-EE-AA-UUTIFUL.
simply beautiful.

[im not scorning god tho.
i dont blame god for todae.
im just REALLI REALLI trying to scratch my head REAL hard to figure out why he meant all of this to happen.]

ok, its partly my fault.. cos i dropped a few bombshells at her.. one after the other. claiming moeny for wad i spent on make up todae.. the prom dress.. the discussion on getting another dress.. maybe a slightly less formal dress. argh.
[jus reading these few lines.. you wont get it. this is jus to give you a gist. trust me.. i am sparing you a very whiny, bitchy, long story doused in expletives.]

this wasn't how i thought the period "After A's" would be like.
not at all. if not for writing this entry.. i'd b crying in bed.

disclaimer: im fine. the fire's more or less been put out. this is jus me, venting frustrations.

i have ended A's.. onli to find i have a few problems at hand.
[all of which i have no idea how to solve.]
[some of which i have no particular desire to solve. some of which i doubt i'll ever be able to solve.]

prob 1: I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT RELATE TO MUM.
-the simplest thing alwaes meets with miscommunication.
A-L-W-A-E-Z.
-i can't make the words come out right.
-how it all comes out.. matters [in my mind, far too much] to her.
-we simply dont/can't/wont see eye-to-eye
-my mind is closed and has built up this preconceived notion of her.
[that much i admit, but with every incident, such as tonight, she onli drives me further awae than increasing the will to meet her halfwae.
-aviodance.. its alwaez been my escape.]

prob 2: I NEED MULA!!!
-related to prob 1.
-preps for prom.. are by no means near completion.
-maybe i shld realli consider going with wing and jo for the levis job.
[then i can spend my own money.. the allowance depleted already lah.. and so damn difficult to claim]

-oh wait, sorrie, can't even use the word claim. cos 'claim' connotes a sense of obligation. and its not an obligation cos its not necessary stuff.. its just tt im low on dou.. and i need a top-up and its an [GET THIS] "act of goodwill".

prob 3: JRA --> HOPELESS CASE. I HAVE NO ONE TO LIKE. I SHOULD JUST KILL MY HEART.
-the third sentence.. this is cos every guy i like.. turns out to be a complete dead end.
-and todae.. honestly.. i dunno wad to make of wad you said.
-i tried.. i thought A's FINALLY being over and all.. i thought, heck, let's give it a shot.. see if i cld meet you over ice cream.. [jus to chat, i swear i had nth else in mind]
-but no. and ur reason.. honestly.. it STUMPS me.
-i can't figure if its jus ur metrosexual vanity.. or some flippant excuse to snub me.
-i didn't noe whether to laugh or to cry.
-mark laughed. tmr.. i'll tell char.. i'll let you noe if she laughs or cries.
-thank god i havne't told THAAAT many pple abt the inkling of feeling i had towards you.
-so there we go. so much for the hope that had happily rekindled itself within me.
-jus NOT WHAT I HAD THOUGHT.
-i feel like one of those grumpy ladies at the counter.. with a long queue to serve.. and in that grumpy, cant b bothered tone.. im shouting..
"NNEEXXXTTT!!"
-onli unlike her, i dont have anyone else in the line.

well there. this is basically wad i came online for.
to blog.. and i haven't been writing in much detail tonight.
partially because there's too much to write. and partially cos i haf purposely left them out cos i noe pple are still reading this blog of mine.

most pple dont put as much into their blogs as i do.

darth vader: i stumbled upon ur blog the other dae, while looking thru the links of another friend's blog. a particular entry.. totally irks me. switches me off so much.. it starts to actually get chilly. like seriously. WHATEVER LAH. go on, go find ur catherine zeta jones. and that damn car. urgh.
-maybe you're lucky.. i've deicided not to do the prom serviette thing.
-NOT for ur sake.
-for my own considerations.

ssr: came on the laptop to blog and bitch here. and you started a chat when u saw me online. and todae.. u gve me ur blog add. im sorrie i hadta lie when you asked if i'd ever been to your blog. you can't noe i have. or rather, i would prefer you didn't. but ur chat did help ta lighten me up jus a bit.
i came THIS close to giving you this blog add.
cept that i felt it was smth i wld seriously regret.
and i need to reserve a place to write about you.

jra: honestly. like that must be one of THE most himbo things i have EVER heard in my entire life. like WHAT THE HELL??!!.. im not sure wad happens now. honestly.. u have stumped me. im at a loss for words. completely.
-mus talk to drea tmr. see wad she says.

**MARK AND CHAR: dears.. without you guys i wouldve lost my sanity tonight. i love you two. thank you so much for listening to all my whining, bitching, complaining.. and apologies for the VERY free use of expletives i employed in my moment(s) of anger.

i wanna bang my head on the wall. over and over.
smebody tell me when its all over.

it strikes me that having exams was so much easier.
taxing, no doubt, but easier.

freedom.. is it over-rated?
or is it wad you make of it?

imtired. meeting char for more shopping tmr.
i have to slp now.
gdnite.