revival

kkaes.. first of all, i need ta sae.. it has ocurred to me that people are still coming here and still reading this stuff. yipes. and to think that its been 'dead' for so long.. and pple still come back n check. shucks.. and i thot i could blog freely w/o having to care SO much [im still wary, this IS the internet after all] abt wad i type. HAH. guess again.

oh well.. tt's not to sae i dont appreciate you guys. *mwa. but well.. this means tt im going to give this blog a nice revival after A's are over. maybe try a new layout and maybe put that tagboard back in. and also.. i like my past two entries. no, 'like' is an understatement. love is more like it. i like reading them over.. gives me that same feeling of satisfaction at having gotten smth realli rather heavy off my chest. its possibly the next best thing besides telling the person to his/her face exactly how you feel. which, suffice to sae.. wil have consequences. not to sae that blogging doesn't but.. if u're ambiguous enough.. then yeah.. its all harmless. although.. its true.. the problems dont get solved. but hey.. how do u noe they'd be pleasibly solved if you had voiced ur feelings to that other person? you dont. there's no assurance. and this is human nature.. there never can be. and knowing me.. its better that i jus blog them down.

hmm..
AAaHhhHHhhh

A's HAVE begun!!
the MADNESS is HERE.
the WAR is here.

FINALLY. it's ABOUT TIME!

i wont quite go so far as to sae that dooms' day is here.. i still hold a little bit of hope. just a little. to give this 'soldier' sme reason to keep trudging on. just allow her that much.

so yes, they have begun. 2 papers down already. woohoo. gp was quite a manageable disaster. haha paradox. one passage instd of two [like ALL our sch practices].. and a tough summary and AQ. lit paper 1 was todae. my my.. awful and ok at the same time. paradox again. ok in the sense that the female characters qn which we did in lit enrichment came out.. sort of.. and that mr pang's spotting of egdon heath came out. awful in that the A&C qn was a killer.. and i chose it. and tho i got to weave in my sword and armour imagery.. i realli dont noe.. my answer was so dis-organised and the quotes were smehow inadequate. k.. inadequate for all three essays lah. and i kept running into time trouble. sigh.

oh wells. tmr there's econs essay at 2pm i think. sighs.. my econs grade depends on this paper. banking lots of marcoeconomy. i've studied onli dd n ss, elasticity, labour and wages, mkt failure and a bit of monopoly for microeconomy.. but im realli hoping to not have to do anything on those. i prefer and am more confident of macroeconomy. sigh. wells.. mugging macroeco tonight. and another thing. im REALLLI scared and not confident for history paper 3. yipes. i think im gonna die.

i've prepared for all my papers.. just about to the best of my ability. trust me.. i cant mug for much longer. but at the same time.. there's this worrying. nagging feeling which wont go awae. to some extent.. im glad for its existence.. which shld at least push me on.. and keep me from slacking. at the same time.. i wish it wld go awae and allow me to maintain sme degree of calm. nevermind. 2 papers down [despite most science pple having the majoirty of their papers down]. after this week is over.. i'll be able to breathe more easily. a paper a dae all this week.. mon to fridae.. and then just two more papers the week after. and then.. fini-to-eh. :D i've made sme modificiations to the cow in aunt's room [where i study] which used to count down to the no. of days left to GP. now it reads..
"10 DAYS MORE TO FREEDOM"

wonderful. just 10 days. and then i can hit the shops with char. get my shoes.. get my dress cut.. figure out where to do my hair and make up for prom. figure out wad to wear for after prom. maybe go get a new swimming suit. hmm.. buy clothes [and shoes and accessories] like there's no tmr. paint the town red. :D

moving on. i went to an old friend's blog. and found smth i wld realli like to quote.. cos i can understand and to sme extent feel/felt the same wae. [dont laugh].
frm weishan's blog:
insatiable
why is it always like this? when you dont have something, even little glimpse of it is enough to make you happy for the whole day, tht feeling only fades with the anticipation of seeing it again. and yet even though you're assured to be able to see it everyday, it somehow still isnt enough. you begin to want to see it a few times a day. and then when you are blessed with closer contact, why does the bliss wear off so quickly? why does it become a feeling of wanting more and more? more time, more questions, more answers? insatiable, thats why.

insatiable - impossible to satiate or satisfy
[according to dictionary.com. - im lazy to go and get the oxford dictionary]

this.. is wad i used to feel.. very much so. and yet.. its not completely gone either. there's still fragments of it here and there. but well.. let's sae.. it doesn't quite eat into me quite as much as before. not quite.

i like that feature i put in the last entry. let's go it again.

ssr: you've changed ur nick.. and that little bit in front which remained for so long and alwaez used to bug me.. [even tho its wierd cos its not even the girl u like].. is gone. and for sme reason.. it takes sme sting awae. jus a little. i hope ur papers are going fine. and much as i near grumbled at bumping into u at the entrance of ur exam hall after two of ur papers last week [by accident] and getting the chance to ask u abt them.. and i wonder how you've been doing. and
just now.. this very moment. fate hands me a most fortunate surprise. [which i hadnt even gone so far as to dare to wish for.] you just started chatting.. and asked me how my papers went. *smiles. im glad.. that you treat me as a friend now. and its true.. im over you.. i noe now, not to hope for more.

jra: mixed signals. i think everything's wierd and then i think everything's ok. and then i jus dont noe. im heartened tt you didn't dao me todae.

fuck lah. mom just caught me on the comp. dammit. the stupid coincidence everytime. dad was right. he'll come home and mom will complain to him... and then he can tell van.. 'ur sister's gone and done it again'. fuck lah. ju was right. i shld've jus got off the comp earlier. damn. nicely done mom. i need my sanity damnit. nicely done. "you're 18.. how many days more exams do you have?'.. arh fuck it. i need my fucking sanity mom. jus awhile on the comp dammit. and now i have to get off. and go bathe. and that means end chat with ssr. sigh. life sucks.

THIS is the reason why i can't get along with my mom.
she operates like one of them robots.
im a fucking human.
go be your own prim and proper robot.
i can't and wont work to the point like van till i get stomach aches and headaches and have to practically 'live' on nexium and panadol and cataflam.
i prize my fucking sanity.
fuck.
there. now u've got me throwing expletives all over the place.
there you go.