aaAAaaahhhHHHh

it's just one of those days where i wish i was near mark's place.. and i could shout across to the causeway..
FFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!
when mark and his friend did that the last time.. i thought they were mad.
i ALSO didn't use the f word quite as frequently as i do now.
i was still good then.. the f word was totally new to me.
look at me now!!... HAHAHAHAHA.

the way i feel now is due to the mixture and combined effect of multiple factors.
which equate to an ultimately crummy deal.
i didn't think it humane to call smeone up and make him/her listen to all my whinings.
so i am here to just let go of some of the steam.

bugger.

1) stupid JRA and oms
frick it.
church meeetings have become a test of my tolerance.
i feel like im kicking myself in the butt.
here i am trying to believe that im so way over you.
and yet.. when you're there.. im just so very conscious of the fact that i still do like you.
and just to try and prove to myself that i wont allow it..
i purposely dont look in your direction.
i purposely almost never address you diretly.
i purposely dont suan you and try to make a point of not purposely paying you any particular attention.

but im told the sarah state of 'nirvana' is in accepting that you will still like the person. [and i suppose resist by hook or crook the temptation to act on it or show any indication of interest/caring more than a friend. ]
what kind of nirvana is this??
cos this sure dont feel like no nirvana.
nirvana shouldnt be painful.

yet i can't help still feeling those dark edges of evil and awful jealousy.
like when she brings an xbox frm work and you guys start enthusing about xbox games and what not.
like when she suans you repeatedly, just like i used to.
like when she, you and another start talking enthusiastically about places you guys should go to drink.
like when you guys discuss diff types of drinks.
like when she turns to ask him if he wants to go for a drink with her before turning down my offer to drop her home [cos we live so nearby].

biatch biatch biatch.
what the hell are they doing?
not like they cld realli like each other.
-if they did.. well i'd jus hafta suck it up and accept.

but it's not even that.
as another friend said.. he'll never be smart enough for her.. and she'll nvr be lady-like enough for him.

my better half says they're just very good friends now. nth more.
my worse half says 'EVEN THEN'.
im jealous of that even.

i need to get a life. this isn't healthy.

2) uni applications.
good grief.
i noe he means well and all.. but dad's really being rather nitpicky about the discretionary part of the application.
i keep having to re-write.. let them vet.. listen to his comments.. try and change it again.
it's the bloody 23rd of mar already.. the application is due by the 1st of march.
i mean i noe that it isn't strictly on a first-come-first-serve basis.. but honestly.. am i the onli one feeling jittery?

we've gotten thru all the course discussion parts already.. i thought we never would.
onli to get held up again.. it's tedious.

and i found it almost incredulous that he could talk to me about planning and crafting when it's just a paragraph.
i mean the word limit is like 300 words lah. or 1200 characters.
not some essay or short story or thesis.

3) something's missing.
you see.. this is what i meant about the phase where i dont have anybody to like.
beyond not even having a face to put to every gal's secret dream to being swept off her feet or falling head over heels over.
beyond all that.. it leaves this gal's head too damn bloody idle.
so damn bloody idle that everything comes under scrutiny.
things i shouldnt and wouldnt normally think about come under the magnifying glass.
and everything else which i already can't help thinking about just gets further magnified and enlarged.

was catching up with leong wan.. and it's farnie how our conversation floated to the topic of relationships.

she was saying guys are idiots. [jokingly, not vindictively.]
unfortunately.. i said i hafta agree. but i did try ta help you guys speak up a lil.. and said that some guys can be quite good friends.

i have however.. one major flaw/problem.
that line between friend.. and something more.
the thinnest.. most flexible.. complicated line there ever was.
and most of the time.. im the one tt attempts to fudge it a little.
onli to realise it's kinda thicker than i thought.. [and in the end get completely nowhere]

my first 2 crushes.. were simply that. crushes.. i didnt at first even noe the person.
but i did of course try my best to engineer so as to get to noe them as best i could and build a candid friendly relationship.
in the first case.. the cat was let out of the bag.. but we still remain ok friends. [but with so little in common that we hardly talk anymore]
in the second case.. to me.. it seems so obvious the cat might as well be out of the bag.. [i think and believe fervently tt he noes] but eitherway.. we're quite ok friends now.
and i'd hardly wish for anything more with either of these two.

after that.. there was the single exception -where i wasn't the one that fudged the line. onli when i was kinda ready ta try and fudge it.. the idiot had re-traced the line already. [without bothering to let me noe]
we dont even talk anymore.

and then there's e one where it's kinda a mix of crush and thinning line.
it was the oldest crush which had for the most part remained dormant.. and then got revived through friendship. and as we got closer as friends.. i thought the line was getting thinner. and so cleverly tried to fudge it.
-onli to find that there is no possibilty because we are completely incompatible. but by that time.. the friendship was already [and still is] no longer what it was.

then there's a lil smth else i must kill in the bud.
nevermind. not abt to explain.

-------------------------------------------
ok.. im all maxed out for clubbing already.
twice in a month is the beginning of a poetentially rather unhealthy habit.
one i need to nip in the bud.. occasional clubbing onli pls.
and the fact tt mum knew and was okae with me having gone to zouk.. is a shock which im stil trying to get used to.
still haven't figured out if tt means i can just tell her im going clubbing in the future.

but i neeeeeddd to shop dammit.
i want mango jeans.
i want to go to ikea.

i need to start exercising again. damn.

and now.. i need to sleep.
damn.. i wanna go watch scary movie 4.
hmm.. we'll see about next month maybe.