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i havne't been here in awhile.

im still not working.. but i've been relatively busy and well somewhat distracted.
and well, rather more distracted lately.

and i can't, dont and wont write abt all of it here.
because.. thoughts are sometimes best kept as they are.
because.. i dont want to explain and explain just to make an entry coherent and understandable.

it's been a crappy time lately.
as i think about it.. i noe.. pple have noticed my reactions and how affected i can get.
i noe.. i can't and dont hide my emotions or feelings well.
but as far as i can.. im not a hypocrite.. for whatever that's worth.
i can't cover up when im not happy about smth.
the most i can muster the strength to do is keep my mouth shut and keep quiet.

and as i think more about it.. it strikes me that it's such a trivial, stupid thing.
but at the same time.. even little things can hurt.

church group retreat proved a rather painful experience for me.
although it was rather good spiritually.. i also suffered quite a bit emotionally.
i noe smehow whenever i write i tend to make everything seem so dramatised. but yeah.. basically.. smth i totally should have expected.. but totally forgot to anticipate.. hit me right in the eyes.
and it was all very very hard for me to swallow.

and since then. hah.
i dont noe.

on the one hand.. im ashamed at how long i can hold a grudge and remain jealous and 'hateful'.
on the other hand.. im amazed that i have actually been able to keep quiet for this long.
but then again.. there's nothing to be proud about.. because im a transparent person aniwae. my behaviour was enough to give away how i felt.

forgiveness.
it's a funny thing.
as a catholic.. i believe that we have to forgive, just as we are forgiven.
i believe that.
but it must be one of the most difficult things to do.

after three months.. they decide they want to talk things out.
why the sudden motivation?
why the sudden mention of concern for me?
did you onli notice after three months?
just because i've been rather more affected lately?

there are so many things about it.. that just seem so.. un-genuine.
i noe that the most gracious thing to do wld just be to accept the apology and walk away.
but i still can't understand why.
why, after three months did the sudden need to talk things out come about.
im not a layered person.
i wear my emotions right there on my sleeve.
not necessarily where they should be.. but in plain sight for anyone to see.
i dont try to hide them. never have.
and even if i wanted to.. i've never been able to aniwae.

i'd like to think it was about me.
but honestly.. i dont believe it was.
it was about you and your guilt.

im sorry.. you cant hug me.

that one all-important word.. doesn't just erase everything.
and the explanation.. is long long long overdue.

you knew how i felt.
and you went ahead.
there and then you made your decision.
why the sudden need to look back now?
every decision has its consequences.. and you can't claim you went into it unknowingly.
you, of all pple, knew.
and did it onli hit you after 3 months that maybe our friendship's in trouble because of that decision you made?

how much did it realli mean to you?
because as far as im concerned.. once you made that decision.. you walked away from it.