the big picture

i went to a funeral mass todae.
i've never in my life ever cried so much for someone i didn't even noe.
but i couldn't help it.. it was all soo soo very sad.
i could feel the sadness of all the people around me.. the reader who had been crying.. the family members who struggled to hold back tears while giving their eulogies.. fr's homily and especially the poems her husband read out - one for himself and one on behalf of their newborn son.
the son who'll never get to meet his mother.
and when the eulogies came.. i swear i felt so stupid with every tear drop.. that i was crying without even noeing the person who had gone on before us all into heaven.

happens that news of this sad affair came on thursday.
that thursday. the thursday encounter.
in relation to such a tragedy.. what's my heart ache?

one in 30, 000.
no famliy deserves to have to suffer such a loss.
but well.. heaven's got a new lead choir conductor for all the angels.
listening to the choir singing all those lovely songs at the mass.. the full attendance of the mass.. the subtle yet completely brave show of cheer rather than sadness in the readings, the powerpoint presentation, the songs sung, the few bright coloured pple around.

from not even noeing who it was in the beginning.. to being reluctant to wake up that hour earlier to go for the mass.. after the mass i found myself wishing i could've gone to the crematorium. wishing i had known the person.
wondering what pple will say/feel when my turn comes.
wondering what things pple will have to say, who will make the eulogies, how i'll be remembered.

death does realli make you think.

and i watched "tuesdays with morrie" yest night.
it was lovely.
i also cried a lot. lol.
a good cry every now and then is good for you aniwae.
it aint a bad thing to be in touch with ur feelings.
nothing like pain or sadness to know that you can still feel.
i've got the book from mak-ko and im gonna read it. :D
tho im currently reading sme book called "the thornbirds".

mama got sick yest.
it was realli a scare.
im beginning to get mark's point in that one of the characteristics of his partner would be someone who would take care of him when/if hes bedridden.
[also after watching "tuesdays with morrie" and pek pek chwee's passing]

in this new big picture.. there are so many huge-r issues of life.. my heartache somehow seeems diminished in importance.. and i seem petty.
like a petulant little child making a fuss over the smallest fudge.
but it's good to feel small every now and then.
makes you learn to put things in perspective and re-think the way you look at things.

I LOVE MONDAYS.
for one simple reason.
ch 5 from 9pm - 12.30pm is my absolute bliss.
desperate housewives, grey's anatomy, scrubs.
[there's actually frasier after scrubs but by the time 12.30 comes.. i usually feel it's about time to close up shop]

i absolutely love grey's anatomy and scrubs.
the voice-overs have this certain wisdom in some of the things they tackle.
and both are relatively light.. but grey's anatomy pulls at the heart-strings and is a little more human. i feel like i could easily put myself in the shoes of the characters.. or feel the way they feel.
and scrubs is just plain hilarious.. the perfect way to end the night off.
light-hearted but still with touches of life lessons to be learnt.

i wanna go and get videos of grey's anatomy!!