better late than never

well well.. i noe lent's just ended.. but i was just thinking.
i never actually managed to really make any sacrifice during lent, as we're kind of supposed to do.
-i couldn't stop going clubbing
-i couldn't stop swearing
-i couldn't stop being selfish

but it's never too late to make sacrifices and chip in that little extra bit for lent yeah.
this past week i've been shuttling from home to church to bbdc.. or home to bbdc to church. been helpingout with the preparations for holy week.
i've actually done more chores in church than i have at home now.
ironing cloths for the adoration and the divine mercy.. and washing and rinsing and wiping, etc. hahas.
no complaints.

i was watching this movie on either star movie of hbo.. and it was v interesting.
had some nice gospel tunes which realli struck some chords in my heart. very very nice lyrics. i've been playing it over and over in my head since then.. cos it's so in-line with the whole lent and Holy Thursday concepts.

He Still Loves Me
-Beyonce

Took me a while
But I'm finally here
So I just wanna testify
Make it crystal clear
See I've been picked out
To be picked on
talked bout outta me friends mouth
I've been beat down
Til he turned my life around
(turn my life around)

seems like I always fall short
of bein worthy
Cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me


I aint no superstar
The spotlight aint shinin on me
(no no no no no)
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me
Loves me

(Beyonce)
I used to wake up somedays
and wish i'd stayed asleep
cuz i went to bed on top of the world
today the worlds on top of me
everybody's got opinions
(they share)
They aint been in my position
(they don't care)
that it breaks my heart when I hear what they
have to say about me yeah
(what they say)

seems like I always fall short (fallin short)
of bein worthy (Lord I aint worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough (no no)
but he still loves me (still loves me)

I aint no superstar
I wanna be for you
The spotlight aint shinin on me
(but i want to be for you)
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me

I'm not perfect
(I'm not perfect)
Yes I do wrong
(yes I do wrong)
I'm trying my best
(trying my best but)
But it aint good enough
(just aint good enough)
Shunned by the world
(shunned by the world)
If I don't succeed
Cuz I aint good
But he still loves me
(I just aint good enough)

If you aint worthy just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand
That we are all so blessed
To be loved, loved
stand for him or fall for anything
cuz through his eyes we all look the same
What will we do
Without out pain

Feels like we always fall short
Of bein worthy (we are not worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough
But he still loves me
I aint no superstar
(I aint no superstar but I wanna be for you Lord)
The spotlight aint shinin on me
Cuz I aint good enough
(Oh)
But you still love me

I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm tryin my best but
(tryin my best)
It aint good enough
(I'm not good enough)
Shunned be the word
(shunned by the world)
If i dont succeed
(i dont succeed-ceed-ceed)
Cuz I aint good enough
But he still loves me
(child sing with me)
I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm tryin my best but
It aint good enough
(But the Lord's been so good to me)
Shunned be the word
(Shunned by the world)
If i dont succeed
Cuz I aint good enough
(I aint good enough)
But he still loves me
(The Lord still loves me)

No I aint good enough
But He still loves me
(Raise your hands if ya understand)
No I aint good enough
(How he blessed you cuz he blessed you too)
but He still loves me
(even though I aint worthy)
No I aint good enough
(you aint worthy, He's there for you)
but He still loves me
(no matter what I do)
No I aint good enough
(I aint good enough)
but he still loves me
(but the Lord still loves me)

kkaes.. im sorrie i've like boldened huuge chunks of the song just about everywhere. just that the lyrics are so nice.. and the whole song is just so meaningful.

i've been trying to think about the thursday encounter in relation to what God's done for me, for all of us.

it's easy to know what god would do.. but to actually go ahead and do that.. is a totally different matter.
it's much much tougher.
but i HAVE been praying for graces for a loong loong time.
even before the Thursday encounter.

i prayed for the grace to be able to turn a blind eye to all of it, to not be so affected.
and since last week's encounter.. it's the onli constant thing i've been praying about everytime i come to church.
i know that i should forgive.
i know that i should be glad that she apologised.
i know that i should have let her hug me.

but i just couldn't.

this is the one major thing recently that's realli made me feel unworthy.
which is perhaps why the song above is striking such a chord with me.

how, just how did jesus sit on the table and know who was going to betray him and not do anything?
i know it sounds stupid and silly.. but in a very very minute way.. im getting a small taste of that.
every week.. i do just that - sit on the table with someone who knowingly betrayed me.
[and until last thursday.. i didn't actually noe how far she had betrayed me.]
and damn, i realli gotta sae that it's a DAMN DAMN DAMN sour, icky taste.
terribly hard to swallow.

i've decided.. after kneeling for what felt like forever at adoration tonight.. that im going to forgive her.
well, i HAVE to.
but even then.. i've told myself.. that it doens't matter.. when i manage to forgive her..
it's not going to be for the sake of our friendship, i've no interest in building that back up.
-im sorry.. i dont think i could tahan if you decide to gush about ur escapades, dates or problems with him.

it's going to be for God. my sacrifice for God. Because i know it's what he would want me to do.
and so that i can somehow feel a little more worthy when i stand before him, when i go up to receive Communion, or when i pray before him.

after these past at least 4/5 unpleasant months.. it is honestly about time to realli realli let go.
altho, honest to god, if not for her involvement in it all.. i would've perfectly let go a loong time ago.
but that wasn't part of the plan.
que sera sera.