im now N-i-n-e-t-e-e-N

haha.. im one year older now.

it's strange.
well.. i guess one thing i like to think.. is that im growing a little.
and i dont mean in any measurable way.
rather, i mean.. growing, in terms of understanding and perspective.

i was going through the msges which i had saved in the sent box of my fone.
i ended up deleting what i would have usually copied.

i deleted them because i realise, they dont mean much to me animore.
in a way, it's so strange because it seemed so important then.
but i guess.. the true test of things is realli time.
like how true friends stand the test of time.
like how real literature stands the test of time and touches pple's hearts over and over again.

like how time can make you realise that what you thought was real (or a real possibility) was little more than a fragment of your imagination.
or a fabrication by the idealist in you.

it's funny how smth that once meant the world and took me right up to cloud nine no longer has the same effect.
instd, if it doesn't sting, at best.. it feels weird.
the contents are no longer relevant, accurate.
that person that i was then, seems so distant.
and now i realise, was so utterly mis-informed. naiive.
and perhaps just as the connection has been lost.. so has the meaning which was previously attached to all things associated.

listening to john mayer and jason mraz songs make me reflective.
sighs. i dunno.

im fine. just filling out a reflective period.
sometimes, i still cant help hoping that some things could have been.
other times, i still can't help wishing some things never happened.
most times, i wish i could remove the sensitive, over-reading part of my brain.
-that might save me a lot of trouble in the first place.

i dunno.

jra: we msged for awhile todae. like normal.
well.. you no longer ask as much abt me and i no longer offer as much.. but the low grade suaning and poking of fun. it's the way that i sustain communication btw us, the easiest - the lighthearted way. and im glad for it todae. cos it made me feel happy, that we can still hold decent "conversation". even if i may never call you just to chat for an hr ever again. but im glad that you remembered my birthday. i honestly didn't think you would.

a day of surprises.
let the games begin. :D

and as for the release of the A Level results.. for the time being, i guess im just glad that i have been allowed to celebrate my birthday first.
im nervous.
because my sister did so well in her O's..
because i realli did give it my all.
because results in general, are a scary business for me.
i worry, like i usually do.

oh well.

maybe i will be able to go clubbing on wed :)
we'll have to see. heh.

-gd morning.

what is nineteen?
-legal clubbing [altho i was legal the first time]
-permission frm mom ta go pubbing with friends [tt i can drink a lil]
-atm card
-driving lessons

and i'll slowly find out the rest as we go along. :)
im off to bed now.

wrong

jra: i thought that you could be my wonderwall.
i thought you'd be the one to save me.

i guess i thought wrong.
you're not my wonderwall after all.

smeone tell me why it stings so much.

all in one breath

i noe my blogging's become terribly inconsistent.
well, too bad. i just can't maintain a blog properly now.
and 'sides, the pple whom i care about or need to confide in hear everything directly from me as and when necessary.
and i dont just put this blog up for gaining attention from strangers.

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like/love - hate sentiment

this is the no. 1 paradox of my life.
over and over again, devaju.
it's not always about the same person.. but it's always the same drill.
in different phases, it's about different pple.
but smehow or other, it's always the same.

jra: i STILL like you damn it.
it hurts, everytime the whole group meets up. [which isn't often anymore, but happens every once in awhile. like tonight]
it hurts, because im so aware of all the reasons i liked you before. and they flood my brain, and i noe, deep down inside, that i DO still like you.
no matter what the common sense within me says.
despite all the things i noe and how clear it is to me that we're so bloody incompatible.

that calm confidence which oozes out of you.
the ability to look like you belong, no matter where we are, be it marche, a pub, or even playing pool.
your great dress taste.
your sense of humour.
that smile.

i hate myself for liking you still.
i tell myself i shouldn't.
i try to tell myself i can't.

but i fail miserably.

i must surely be sadistic.
because despite the pain, i dont want to leave.
i want to stay, till the end.
till everyone else is going home, just so i dont miss anything.
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i spent valentine's day with char in the afternoon and then rah, mark, selina and her friends in the night, im so glad.
had a yummy lunch w char at holland v.. and haagen daz afterwards.

my sadistic nature came out again because i wanted the haagen daz.
the last time i had haagen daz before that, was a long time ago.
and at that moment, i felt one of those rare highs you onli get once in a looong while.
i guess i thought it was smth special. it sure felt like it.
but i later came to find that it was nothing very much at all.
which hurt somewhat.
probably because i had invested so much hope in it.
and from time to time, i still wish there could be something.
yet, i noe that it's near impossible.

i chose the exact same flavours too.
ha.
they are my fave flavours when it comes to haagen daz aniwae.
sigh. i just stared into blank space every now and then.
i wonder when this will be past me.
i mean, realli past me.
takes time i noe, but we can nvr realli noe how much time, can we?

well, there was a time when i thought i'd never get over ssr.
but i did. and now, it feels so silly that i ever seriously had a thing for him.
even though if i see a pic of him, i still think he's cute.. there's much less of an attraction.
it's not as strong as it was before.
it's numbed.
even reading that he asked for sme girl's no. .. no longer makes me jealous.
just makes me feel weird.

weird.. sigh.. that very word itself pulls on a heartstring which causes a dull ache.
stupid jra.

now, it's the jra phase.
and i guess until i find smeone else to like.. i'll still be stuck in the jra phase.
i shall just hafta wait patiently till uni i guess.

jra: thanks, for not msging to check if i got home. [not that it realli matters]
i wish we werent so awkward.
i realise now, that it was me over-reading.
you are generally nice to everyone. and the type who has plenty of female friends and is a gent to all.
parts of me wish you wld b awful.. just so it'd b easier for me to stop liking you.
another part of me refutes such a possiblity.
i noe i've got better taste than that.
i dont start to like pple who are bastards.
[darth vader may have to b an exception. lol. but anyway.. i didn't concretely like him as anything more than a friend first. so he doesn't realli count.]

sigh.

and speaking of darth vader.. i realised that todae wld prolly be one of the happiest days of his life, because of the franz ferdinand concert.
sheesh.
why do i care?
i dont.

onli.. it reminds me, of a friend i once had, but have since lost.

and here i've spent my incredibly whiny mood.
time to sleep. for tmr will be another long day.
dinner highlight.

thank god i got so close to t9.
i love their vibrancy and enthu-ness and togetherness and they're absolutely lovely. :D
i just need to go out and have fun.
and they're the perfect pple to do it with. :]