i let go.. but all i wanted was to hold on

did you know.. for the absolute longest time..
i kept going to your blog to read your entries..
to see if i could get the slightest clue as to what happened?

i was hurt.
and i wrote numerous entries about it in another blog..
that nobody reads. intentionally.

then that day that i found that little para.. which you put in black font to hide..
i felt so sad. and guilty. and taken aback.
and i no longer had the guts, the face to do anything.

then i sent a msg (cheesy as it sounded).. to try to reconcile..
and i waited. and waited.
then i found that line/para -can't rmbr if it was hidden
that you didn't noe how to reply.
oh i was pissed.

it didn't feel fair.
i felt angry.. i felt i cld've used a friend..
i felt i was putting myself out there..
but you weren't willing.

and then.. as time passed and i thought more about it..
i finally realised.. how selfish i'd been.
i asked more of you than i should have..
and i was never able to give back.

it amazes me.. how long it's been..
and the fact that im still in one piece.
realli.. i thank god for css.
at the very least.. in your absence.. He gave me a community to belong to.
one that gave me so much.. and which i've been trying to give back to too.

i mellowed.
forced myself to push it all to the recesses of my mind.
forced myself to stop dramatising.. to believe that things like these happen all the time..
to lots of people.
that somehow.. this was a part of His plan.
as unfair as it seemed.

still.. it's not the same.
over css arts retreat.. when we were doing a session on community
i realised.. i dont have any particularly strong links/connection with anybody in the community not the way that i used to have with you
i realised.. i no longer have a dependable lifeline..
that for the most part..
i've been trying to go it alone.. plus a little support from the community.

there was a time when all i wanted was an explanation
there was a time when all i wanted was to make things right

that time has passed.
i dont know what's come over me.
but i've let go of a lot.
and smehow.. reading that apology the other day..
i just.. felt so relieved.

but seriously..
you confuse me to no end.
i wish you'd stop pushing pple away from you.
focus.. yes.. god is the most important.
but there are people around you for a reason.
they're angels and messengers from god..
they're a community of pple which supports each other.

i dont noe what's up with me today.
my mood is weird.
and i dont like the entry that's forming.
maybe tmr i'll delete it and write a better one.


you're not all i have.
but for a long time.. you were the person i felt most at home with.

so.. a song.

"You're all I have" - snow patrol

Train this chaos turn it into light
I've got to see you one last night
Before the lions take their share
Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere

Just give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cause you are all that I have

You're cinematic razor sharp
A welcome arrow through the heart
Under your skin feels like home
Electric shocks on aching bones

Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cause you are all that I have
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cause you are all that I have

There is a darkness deep in you
A frightening magic I cling to

Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear now you are all that I have
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear now you are all that I have