i thot u were my wonderwall

i haven't blogged in the absolute longest time. partly.. i think i've lost the thrill of blogging. that relating life from a whiny [all-about-me point of view] kind of lost its appeal to me. or maybe its cos i found friends i can actually whine to.. who apart from just registering it all.. cld come up with advice and consolation too. or maybe.. its cos i can't openly blog about some of the things that happen anyway. not so much cos of anything but cos.. this is a public blog after all.

on some days.. i hate me.. on some days.. i survive and make it through.. just barely. life is a series of emotional rollercoasters.. sometimes u might think it fun for awhile.. but one after another after another and u just can't help feeling like throwing up.. no matter what. pardon my wierd analogies k. i find.. im now at the point where.. i've kind of, sort of [she thinks].. "overcome" or at least.. set everything at a tolerable intensity. i no longer hate myself as much per se.. more than anything.. i wish to be friends.. as in proper friends. i no longer dao you. smetimes.. i think: why can't i jus bring it up.. since i think you noe.. and other times i think.. tt wld be e most stupid thing i cld EVER do. but still, even after all this time.. sme things just dont change.. the flutters dont go awae.. and obsessions die hard. i still.. and probably will ALWAYS get the "just a crosshair" feeling as long as you're arnd. and i will still ALWAYS wonder what the hell you must think of me. [will i ever have my answer?]

and well.. a two-pronged crisis in my life. not just dealing with me, in relation to you. but also.. friends. give and take.. and give and take.. to give is better than to receive.. well and good. but trust me.. smetimes.. when u give all the time.. pple take it for granted.. its no longer that smething extra that u did with extra consideration.. its attached as a part of ur character.. smething they will ALWAYS expect. but smetimes.. much as giving can really give lots of satisfaction.. you come to a point where ask yourself why you bother to keep giving whne u see that you NVR get back as much.. or let alone.. appreciation for it all.. you lose the desire to give. and then everything falls apart. probably that and the foot trying to be in two puddles at once thing. im not even sure where it started to fall apart actually. at first.. there was no actual confrontation.. only silent distancing.. and then.. i heck-cared.. and didn't feel like giving that extra consideration.. and then came the confrontation. now.. the distancing is there.. onli its not so much silent as obvious now. and funnily enough.. you noe what really shows it all.. no one's bothering to try and fix it. really shows how much value was ever placed into it. sighs. i dont noe realli. for me.. smehow.. its jus not worth it i guess. when u're on the other side.. u see the fake-ness.. and the slight that it is.. to be the 'ostracised' one w/o overtly having done anything of any intensity deserving of it. i've given up.

any friendship needs work.. on BOTH sides. both need ot be willing to work on it and maintain and keep it up. smehow.. i alwaes end up the one trying to keep workin on it despite the obvious deterioration of communications.. and i guess.. i've lost enough to noe. smehow.. once i stop trying.. it falls thru.. and i feel so stupid for all that was ever invested in it. cos obviously.. it all came to nought. do i expect too much?

but god's been sending me songs.. and friends to help light the path ahead.. despite how damn bloody dark and dreary its been lookin lately. "all i noe.. is everything is not as its sold.. and the more i learn. e less i noe.. and i have lived so many lives.. tho im not old.. and e more i see the less i sow.. the fewer e seeds, the less i sow." i dont noe wad else to write. im going off now. ciao. not sure when i'll next be back.

cher: fellow latebird.. how's life been treating you?
dame: like the tides
ferocious and meek"

ferocious and meek, indeed indeed.

its been awhile hasn't it?

gee whiz.. itz realli been quite a loong while since i alst blogged. im sorrie i can't realli offer any proper explanation cept that there's been plenty of work and plenty of things keeping me occuppied and from whiling extended periods of time on the comp. [and here.. it seems with this entry i've broken my spell in proper english 'campaign'] hah.. too bad.. need to type in a hurry. im hungry and its break time now.

lots of things have been happening. for one.. i've stopped hating myself so much. and i haf stopped all the engineering.. for the most part. but i still hoped to be able to chat and talk and communicate randomly. but apparently.. god has other plans hmm.. i dont noe.. things seem to be going in wierd directions all over again.

i've got econs tuition now.. and it has ta b on fridays.. and the lesson STARTS at 4.30pm.. which means that i can't go for training. which means that.. i can't see you. the one time of the week that i thought i'd always have the chance to see you [at the very least].. as far as until cca stops.. has now dissipated. jus like that. and im like left here. wondering what the hell god has planned for me. cos i dont noe. sighs.

thnk god for char and mark.. my two counsellors/psychologists. i swear.. without u guys.. i wld've jus broken into a pile of broken glass on the floor.. a loooooong time ago. i dont noe lah.. things are sort of looking up.. i think. but at the same time.. in other sectors of my life.. things are kinda [at least to me, right now] lookin kinda down. and im kinda struggling to try and see it in your light. that smehow god intends it this way. and it'll all work out in the end. smehow. hah. i gtg cya arnd smetime.

its been awhile hasn't it?

gee whiz.. itz realli been quite a loong while since i alst blogged. im sorrie i can't realli offer any proper explanation cept that there's been plenty of work and plenty of things keeping me occuppied and from whiling extended periods of time on the comp. [and here.. it seems with this entry i've broken my spell in proper english 'campaign'] hah.. too bad.. need to type in a hurry. im hungry and its break time now.

lots of things have been happening. for one.. i've stopped hating myself so much. and i haf stopped all the engineering.. for the most part. but i still hoped to be able to chat and talk and communicate randomly. but apparently.. god has other plans hmm.. i dont noe.. things seem to be going in wierd directions all over again.

i've got econs tuition now.. and it has ta b on fridays.. and the lesson STARTS at 4.30pm.. which means that i can't go for training. which means that.. i can't see you. the one time of the week that i thought i'd always have the chance to see you [at the very least].. as far as until cca stops.. has now dissipated. jus like that. and im like left here. wondering what the hell god has planned for me. cos i dont noe. sighs.

thnk god for char and mark.. my two counsellors/psychologists. i swear.. without u guys.. i wld've jus broken into a pile of broken glass on the floor.. a loooooong time ago. i dont noe lah.. things are sort of looking up.. i think. but at the same time.. in other sectors of my life.. things are kinda [at least to me, right now] lookin kinda down. and im kinda struggling to try and see it in your light. that smehow god intends it this way. and it'll all work out in the end. smehow. hah. i gtg cya arnd smetime.