msg to you

i dont noe why im here.
i have a paper tmr.

perhaps. i just felt that i wanted to get a msg out to you.
if you still even read here.

it's been forever since i last talked to you.
im fortunate.. in the absence of you.. there's been css to help with my spiritual life... and some new uni friends and char of cos.

but from time to time.. i still wonder how you're doing.
i read ur blog every now and then.
but that's just a vague glimpse into your life.

i realise now.. [i noe it's taken me forever. im sorry]
that i was quite lousy as a friend.
i took more than i cld give back.

and i expected you to always be there.
and smehow.. when you weren't.. i cldn't bring myself to understand.
i had wanted to try and be there for you. but you didn't want to let me in.
and for sme reason.. that hurt me.
and i tried to push the door open more.
that probably drove you away.

[you were always the better listener you noe.
i tried to be there for you too.
but you were always too complicated. far too complicated.
i know i was prolly never able to help you much
but it hurt when you shut me out]

if i pushed too hard and too much..
part of it.. was because i didn't want to lose the friend i had in you
but i've realised.. that the pushing probably caused
me to lose the friend i had in you
all the same.

when pple ask for time and/or space.. you noe that there's no hope of salvation.
for a long time.. i was angry cos i felt you were selfish in not wanting to try and build the friendship back.
for awhile.. as time and distance grew even further.. i found the anger fading.. and realised that i had been the selfish one.
and as even more time passed.. im sad to say.. im more willing to accept the dead end that the friendship has come to than to try and build it back.
because im scared to confront all the issues. because there's too much time and distance to cover.
but mostly because.. sadly.. i dont think things cld ever be the same.

at least this way..
i have memories. the good ones.
of all the times we were there for each other.. and you were there for me.
and fun times the whole grp used to have tgthr.

but i'll always wonder..
did i hurt you that badly?
i truly am sorry.

come May.. it'll have been about a year.
if im not wrong.
i think that's when i started to notice the distance.

and i think of how long it's been.. and i go back to wondering..
did i hurt you that badly?

--

god bless you dear..
in all that you do.

dont despair that you can't leave pple be
you may not hear it often
[cos pple are often stubborn and selfish - like i was/am]
but deep down inside..
they'll appreciate that you never gave up on them.

it's a gift, not a curse
He's using you as his instrument.

--
i dont noe what im writing anymore.
tempted to scrap the whole entry.
but heck.. it's already typed out.

--
someday... i hope you'll forgive me.