to darth vader

there is smth about this song.
kinda made me think.
some parts apply.
and some definitely dont.
all the same.. i thought i'd put e lyrics here.

No Regrets [Robbie Williams]
Tell me a story
Where we all change
And we'd live our lives together
And not enstranged

I didn't lose my mind it was
Mine to give away
Couldn't stay to watch me cry
You didn't have the time
So I softly slip away...

No regrets they don't work
No regrets they only hurt
Sing me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine

I know from the outside
We looked good for each other
Felt things were going wrong
When you didn't like my mother didn't even tell me ur bdae had just passed.

I don't want to hate but that's
All you've left me with
A bitter aftertaste and a fantasy of
How we all could live

No regrets they don't work
No regrets they only hurt
(We've been told you stay up late)
I know they're still talking
(You're far too short to carry weight)
The demons in your head
(Return the videos they're late)
If I could just stop hating you
(Goodbye)
I'd feel sorry for us instead

Remember the photographs (insane)
The ones where we all laugh (so lame)
We were having the time of our lives
Well thank you it was a real blast for nothing very much, realli.

No regrets they don't work
No regrets they only hurt
Write me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine

Everything I wanted to had thought it could be
every time I walked away
Everytime you told me to leave
I just wanted to stay
Every time you looked at me and
Everytime you smiled
I felt so vacant you treat me like a child
I loved the way we used to laugh
I loved the way we used to smile
Often I sit down and think of you
For a while
Then it passes by me and I think of
Someone else instead

I guess the love possibility we once had is
OFFICIALLY DEAD.

- but i dont regret how things have turned out. most of the time.
im learning.. how to let go of emotional baggage.
im learning.. what a dipshit you are.
im learning.. [the hard way] where over-reading all the time gets you.

see. told you.
the sadist in me.

im fine.
its jus that every once in awhile.. can't help going back to thoughts of 'then' when i come across certain things.

but, no regrets.
im not your friend anymore.
and neither are you mine.
we dont talk.
we dont smile when we see each other.
we dont communicate at all.

and its jus as well.
cos i dont wanna be friends with you animore aniwae.
and there's no mending the broken path.
so i'll just leave it behind.
it was a mere mistake.
a path i shld nvr have taken.
let it fade awae and the cobwebs creep over it.

yet every once in awhile.. a lil smth stupid comes up and reminds me of you.
and its dredged up again.
ugly. experience.
the cost of taking the jump.

my first real jump of that sort.
nth particularly record breaking.. but my own personal record.
onli.. its turned out, not a personal best, but a personal worst.
the sting remains. everytime.
onli its less potent now.

yet, its almost silly.
cos in so many ways, it wasn't much at all.
not very much was shared between us.
not very much was done.
not very much of anything at all.
you started to give.. and i thought a possibility was arising.
you weren't even actually a consideration in that way. at first.
i was greedy for a first taste.
and came to think you could be a 'maybe' and tt i didn't mind giving it a shot.
a hope was born within me.
but then i started to give more than you.
you can feel when the connection's lost.
and all that remained was for me to confirm. that the lines were dead.
which stung more than i thought it would.

you weren't everything. [you NEVER were]
but i had thought that maybe there could be a chance.
and jus as i began to remove the bricks around my guarded heart..
i find its time to build that wall back up again.

isn't it amazing how i can hurt frm smth that never properly quite happened?
and yet.. maybe more sting than actual, real hurt per se.
stupidly naiive me, made smth out of smth.. i was right, at the beginning at least, but you changed ur mind.
shld've read the signs. and trusted wad i thought earlier.

and yet.. i guess its cos it was my first real taste.
it began as semi-sweet.. and then.. it just got more and more bitter.
and i've no taste for it anymore.
spat out that awful stuff.

i deserved to have been treated better.

and i deserve better.
someday, you'll see.

back to my nocturnal ways

i am officially back to being a nocturnal animal.

i slept at 4am yest morning.. and ended up waking up onli at 11.30am.
in well.. cold sweat. cos i'd had a nightmare.
so bizarre and wierd.
but it felt so damn friggin REAL.. tt i was seriously spooked when i woke up.
i mean.. for awhile there.. i realli thought tt it had all happened.

its the wierdest thing. cos i woke up at the like climax of it. and honestly.. i was damn damn spooked. but i err.. shan't place it here.
im beyond it.. cos its so bizarre and i noe its simply ridiculous. shall save me sme bother in not putting it down.

i have decided i should re-do my blog. need ta give it a new look. and add in a tagboard again.
and if i can spare the time.. maybe i'll put up all the photo albums i realli should. haha

ehs i nearly forgot lah.
yest i was so concerned with myself and holding in all my stress and anger at my parents.. tt i forgot to mention smth.
announcement:
MY BROTHER SCORED 258 FOR HIS O'LEVELS!!

and well.. parents not so happy with that. cos he didn't quite do well enough to get into IP or smth. he's going to ACS(i) btw. oh well. its official, both my siblings are smarter than i. DAMn.

smehow.. todae's realli just flown by.
its amazing.
k.. i guess a lot of that hadta do with the fact that i slept at 4am and onli woke up at 11.30am.
but it was a good dae.
by all standards and especially in comparison to the past two days i've had since after A's. even though i would've liked to have been able ta go ta sentosa with t9. but well.

did my act of goodwill.
called mom after getting up. and we had the most decent 4min conversation i rmbr.
then i called icon shunji matsuo or smth and made an apptment for 1.30pm on tues. im gonna get my hair like curled.. or rather get them to make it wavy. but not permanently tho. chose ta set cos well, its cheaper.. and well.. that wae i can see if i like it and if i do.. i can alwaez go back and get it done.

yes so aft calling mum and making the apptment.. i went ta help mama in the kitchen. :) carolling coming up and there's lotsa cookin ta b done. she went thru her stored stuff and then we had bfast.. shared laksa cup noodles. hahas. then we prepared mee siam chilli and sme other chilli. lolx.
then both went ta the hall ta sit down over tv.
and i started to try and set up my new sony mp3 player.
damn.. i shld take a pic of it and show y'all.
its DAMN chio.

wish it came in green.
but blue's nice all the same.

well so over tv.. indiana jones and sme sad child-less marriage movie.. and then i looked at the clock.. shit 5.38pm. i meant ta go to mass. so i dropped everything quickly changed and zipped outta the house. walked to church frm home. got right into the church at about 5 past 6pm. phew. saw damien and went ta sit with him. then he said look left.. saw hiresh and his mom towards the left side of the church. and a lil further down was uncle andrew and aunty may. hahas. :0p then when we went for communion.. the communion minister was michael. haha..
so that's michael and wife, UA, AM, hiresh, dame and i from ALIVE all at mass todae. hahas. felt kinda nice. even though we didn't all sit together. kinda made me wish we had known we were all gonna b there.. then we cldve arranged ta sit together. :)

then aft tt dad picked bro and i up [bro happed ta b there for sme altar servers thingy].. i bought coke with lime frm the petrol kiosk to go home and try. then came home and ate dinner with mama.

the whole dae.. it was jus mama, kumari and i at home.
so lovely.
peaceful, quiet, beautiful.

-dad, van, ju -> gone to the computer fair
-mak-ko --> out for dinner
-mum --> out for an office dinner

then the rest of the night spent uploading my new player.
and well here i am.
thought i would finish uploading and then look thru my style magazine.
hopefully ta get more ideas or options for hair.
but ended up takin so long.

my parents are going techie. :)
their christmas present to the kids is an ibook.
like whoa.
and mum won a sony camera. the t5. like super-whoa.

well i've had lots of time to think lately. and there're many paradoxes in life, i've realised.

paradox of studying
-you pick wad you like.. as ur course of study.
-but in the course of studying it.. and all that's involved [by which i mean exams, hmwk, projects, drils, tests] not to mention STRESS,
-you inevitably lose sme of the fun of that which you thought you liked.

-its so wierd.. i had trouble keeping up when i was mugging for A's.
-but then since after A's.. i've found my nocturnal nature again.
-baffling.

paradox of love
-liking smeone can realli hurt
-thinking that you could like smeone whom you originally didn't realli see that way, and warming towards that idea, onli to find that the other changed his mind along the way, can realli hurt.
[even tho you didn't actually start out seriously liking him]
-betrayal of hope for me i guess.

-cruel to be kind. that whole concept. fundamentally contradictory.
-me making smth big out of smth that nvr actually happened.
[you can't technically get over smth that never quite took off properly]
-and yet the hate replaces the hurt in an attempt to put up that brave front.
[cos i noe i over-reacted]
-and yet.. maybe partly.. the hurt kinda got rationalised awae.

-and strangely enough.. not having anyone to like.. im finding, is wierd too.
-makes me feel.. kinda empty.
-and i dont noe how to explain it.
[in eustacia terms.. i guess its a loss of smeone to idealise.]
-i guess the dream jus fell apart. the picture fell apart like a pile of cards.

paradox of temptation
-how is it, that everytime..
-the good stuff is alwaez showing on tv when u've gotta fight ta resist it in the light of more important stuff.
-and then when you're free.. there nvr seems to be anything much good on tv.
-alwaez seems ta be the case. DAMn idiots.

looks like im gonna b home again todae.
char nvr pick up the fone. :(
thought we might go out to find accessories or smth. oh well. we'll see.
nvm.. got ALIVE stuff i can try and figure out.
and maybe i'll try ta give this blog a make-over as well.
might be a good thing.. esp since im being nocturnal again.

im tired. but not seriously tired. still quite awae smehow.
im hungry. this happens everytime i stay up.
im empty. in more ways than one.

sadistic is..
-checking all three blogs everytime i come online.
[three different blogs belonging to three different pple.. frm three different angles of reasons.]

drained. heart, brain, emotions.

i guess im in a kinda sadistic mode.

for sme reason i felt the need to have music accompany me tonight as i write this entry. and i've chosen to put a particular song on repeat.. [jus tt one song]
-You're beautiful by james blunt.

im in another wanna cry mood again tonight.
problems with parents AGAIN.

i swear.. its been nothing but stress since the A's ended for me.
yesterday i was seriously thinking.. can i just go back to having A's?
it was so much more fucking easy.

that's the other thing. i've sworn more in these past 2 days then i have in my whole entire life so far.
brace urself for another expletive-filled entry. [dont say i didn't warn you]
it helps me keep it together.. but damn, im sure its not healthy.
but i swear.. its one of the main things helping me to keep sane amidst all this stress.

on the one hand.. i admit.. yes, i AM partly to blame.
but its not like im purposely trying to create trouble.
i mean dammit.. god noes as far as i can.. i wld rather not claim money.. and tt as far as i can i wld rather not bring smth up unless i had to.

and GOD KNOWS i've tried.. and tried SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to put things together as best as possible to 'present' to them [more specifically mom]

but its so fucking tiring and stressful.
its always a fucking fuck presentation.
what the hell is family for if they can't see you in the broken pieces??
arent they supposed to be the ones whom you can count on to help put you together?
why is it that with HER i hafta be whole before i show myself?!

its fucking stressful.
plus.. its damn fucking difficult.
cos it aint bloody easy to be fucking whole.
sure.. in dad's words.. logic is of extreme importance to you. fine and dandy.. seems to work fine for you.. cept tt everytime i try to communicate with you there's this fucking barrier which makes me fucking nervous.
cos i hafta abide by ur same fucking rules of logic.. and i dont always work that wae.
which prevents me from explaining properly.
and even when i try my best.. it just doesn't quite cut it, does it?!
and you just get the impression that im fucking trying to hide smth.

there's a HUUGE blinking red sign which reads:
what are the fucking DETAILS?
WHO is going?
HOW?
WHY?

im a person who works on IMPULSE.. A LOT.
and well.. my friends are like that too.
its not like im gonna try anything stupid.
god noes.. im NOT the wild one.

the barrier is my fault.
but dont you question how come i can share with dad, mak ko and van freely.
you make it so fucking difficult.
and this is everytime tt we're talking about.
i have different tastes, principles, ideas and tendencies from you.
you onli make me want to AVOID you.

what you think im purposely trying to "beat about the bush" to put you down the "path of agony" as you slowly find out the truth the roundabout way?!!
[note: "" = her words]
either way, im on the LOSING END of the fucking stick.
you think i ENJOI this??!!

my bad relationship with mum.. has just been laid out plainly for the whole family to see.
everybody already knew.. its just that suddenly.. since all exams are over.. everybody's suddenly trying to TALK things over and find solutions.
its so fucking tiring.
yesterday already.. was so fucking painful.
had to carefully extract all hints of wayward tone or rolled eyes.
thnk god for mark and char allowing me to bitch to them or i wld never have made it through and kept my sanity.
-onli to go thru another fucking rollercoaster day apparently.. as i found out.
i have talked to so many pple, so many times todae.
mak-ko, dad, mum..

fuck lah.
why do impressions and presentation have to count so much with you?
here's a newsflash for you:
I TEND TO THE ILOGICAL.
that's why you dont know squat about me.
cos i cant explain to you.
and even if i tried.. you simply wldn't be able to get it.

first the make up, then the dress, then the alteration, then the shoes.
the hair will NOT be next. buzz off.

i've come to realise a few things.
- im getting fucking sick of talking with people about how i view mum and trying to dissect where the miscommunication between us stemmed from.
- i absolutely cannot wait till i get my own room.
- i need a spending allowance.

with regards to prom, things are slowly coming together in a very constipated way.
and im finding SO many fucking obstacles along the way.

and its making me feel so fucking bad cos i keep having to inconvenience and trouble my friends.
char and sarah tee and sarah rod and dell and mark were my angels todae, i swear.
if not for these pple.. i might as well have gone to find sme wae to kill myself by now.
and also for their help in their opinions regarding that other thing. or rather shld i sae person, who's baffling me.

why are parents being so difficult now?
i mean i didn't push myself thru A's to be met with this kinda shit.
like LET UP and give me some fucking space to breathe and have a good time.
im trying here.
and yes.. i admit i am definitely damn short fuse now cos you gotta understand.. this period and all the visions and plans of things i gotta get together and things im gonna do, is one of the CORE things which have helped to me last and get thru the A's. and you're fucking spoiling all of it.
its just realli turning out so fucking different from how i thought it would be.

and a part of me is like.. what the hell did i work so hard for.. if i can't even be allowed to njoy a little and do things my own way now??!!

darth vader: you're such a jackass. how could u and the other fuckers in ur class do that to dell? [they laughed at her as they passed by the salon cos she was getting a treatment done and had her hair wrapped in cling foil]
you, fucking prick that you are, apparently even bent over double laughing.
like what the fuck!
you make me sick!
you best pray that ur table is no where near mine for prom.
and you best pray that i dont do anything.

jra: i dont noe what to do. its almost malooating to tell pple whom i had told before abt maybe liking you.. abt yest. they laugh. im not sure if i can seriously like smeone quite like that. im not sure of everything all over again.
and at first.. you didn't even reply my msg.. and i began to think, seriously.. a closed chapter. has to be.
but you just started to chat.. and slowly i find myself wondering.
but no.. i tell myself no.
this isn't anything. and im less sure than ever, of whether this realli has any chance of happening.
this isn't anything.
i cant allow myself to think it is.
it isn't.
we're friends. that's just fine. for the time being at least.. im leaving it at this.
i forgot and didn't get a chance to talk to drea. she didn't reply my msg either. well.. we'll see abt tmr.

i've still got a headache.
t9 is going to sentosa tmr and i CANT join them.
i've got four blisters frm my heels. cos i haven't gone out in them and walked arnd extensively for a long time.
and i am drained.. so utterly.

i feel bad.
very very bad.
for all the trouble i've caused my friends..
and partly.. for all this shit.
cos some of it.. was brought about by me.

dad got me a new mp3 player todae.
sony.. didn't get the nano.
well then we came home and he subsequently had two looong talking sessions with me.. which has seriously drained me.
he's trying to mediate.

a part of me thinks.. god bless him. for trying.
the other part.. is just saying.. pls stop. you're just adding to the pain in my brain. and its not helping things very much... cos the wall btw mum and i is already so high and so solid.

i realise.. tt im back to not having anyone to like.
and i dont quite know what to make of it.
but at the same time.. i guess this is best at the moment.
for survival.
for sanity.
for the sake of keeping my heart in one piece.
at this juncture aniwae.. i realli think i haven't a choice.. its just better this wae.

im tired. but my headache is a pain. it wont let me sleep.
the music's not helping.
this entry has but.. its such a whiny bitchy entry, i feel sorry for anyone who tries to read.

i need to go for confession. badly.
maybe i shld try to go to evening mass tmr.

i wish i could just get them to understand.
*them = parents [and esp mom]

not what i had thought it [you] would be.

its happened. come and gone.

A'S are over.

yay.

but im onli deflated now.
i felt the 'YAY!!!' earlier in the dae, trust me i realli did. my wallet will happily tell you as much.

the retail therapy which helped revive me.
and the company of friends.
the freedom of laughing as loudly as i want.
cos everybody's also laughing with me.

but on the wae home..
another disappointment added to the ones before it. [forgive the stark irrelevance]

coming home and helping van get ready for her outing was fun.

but then.. everything fell apart after dinner.
e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

in the words of dad.. i've "gone and done it again"
gotten mum pissed at me. A_G_A_I_N.
and i feel a very bruce almighty moment coming on..
B-EE-AA-UUTIFUL.
simply beautiful.

[im not scorning god tho.
i dont blame god for todae.
im just REALLI REALLI trying to scratch my head REAL hard to figure out why he meant all of this to happen.]

ok, its partly my fault.. cos i dropped a few bombshells at her.. one after the other. claiming moeny for wad i spent on make up todae.. the prom dress.. the discussion on getting another dress.. maybe a slightly less formal dress. argh.
[jus reading these few lines.. you wont get it. this is jus to give you a gist. trust me.. i am sparing you a very whiny, bitchy, long story doused in expletives.]

this wasn't how i thought the period "After A's" would be like.
not at all. if not for writing this entry.. i'd b crying in bed.

disclaimer: im fine. the fire's more or less been put out. this is jus me, venting frustrations.

i have ended A's.. onli to find i have a few problems at hand.
[all of which i have no idea how to solve.]
[some of which i have no particular desire to solve. some of which i doubt i'll ever be able to solve.]

prob 1: I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT RELATE TO MUM.
-the simplest thing alwaes meets with miscommunication.
A-L-W-A-E-Z.
-i can't make the words come out right.
-how it all comes out.. matters [in my mind, far too much] to her.
-we simply dont/can't/wont see eye-to-eye
-my mind is closed and has built up this preconceived notion of her.
[that much i admit, but with every incident, such as tonight, she onli drives me further awae than increasing the will to meet her halfwae.
-aviodance.. its alwaez been my escape.]

prob 2: I NEED MULA!!!
-related to prob 1.
-preps for prom.. are by no means near completion.
-maybe i shld realli consider going with wing and jo for the levis job.
[then i can spend my own money.. the allowance depleted already lah.. and so damn difficult to claim]

-oh wait, sorrie, can't even use the word claim. cos 'claim' connotes a sense of obligation. and its not an obligation cos its not necessary stuff.. its just tt im low on dou.. and i need a top-up and its an [GET THIS] "act of goodwill".

prob 3: JRA --> HOPELESS CASE. I HAVE NO ONE TO LIKE. I SHOULD JUST KILL MY HEART.
-the third sentence.. this is cos every guy i like.. turns out to be a complete dead end.
-and todae.. honestly.. i dunno wad to make of wad you said.
-i tried.. i thought A's FINALLY being over and all.. i thought, heck, let's give it a shot.. see if i cld meet you over ice cream.. [jus to chat, i swear i had nth else in mind]
-but no. and ur reason.. honestly.. it STUMPS me.
-i can't figure if its jus ur metrosexual vanity.. or some flippant excuse to snub me.
-i didn't noe whether to laugh or to cry.
-mark laughed. tmr.. i'll tell char.. i'll let you noe if she laughs or cries.
-thank god i havne't told THAAAT many pple abt the inkling of feeling i had towards you.
-so there we go. so much for the hope that had happily rekindled itself within me.
-jus NOT WHAT I HAD THOUGHT.
-i feel like one of those grumpy ladies at the counter.. with a long queue to serve.. and in that grumpy, cant b bothered tone.. im shouting..
"NNEEXXXTTT!!"
-onli unlike her, i dont have anyone else in the line.

well there. this is basically wad i came online for.
to blog.. and i haven't been writing in much detail tonight.
partially because there's too much to write. and partially cos i haf purposely left them out cos i noe pple are still reading this blog of mine.

most pple dont put as much into their blogs as i do.

darth vader: i stumbled upon ur blog the other dae, while looking thru the links of another friend's blog. a particular entry.. totally irks me. switches me off so much.. it starts to actually get chilly. like seriously. WHATEVER LAH. go on, go find ur catherine zeta jones. and that damn car. urgh.
-maybe you're lucky.. i've deicided not to do the prom serviette thing.
-NOT for ur sake.
-for my own considerations.

ssr: came on the laptop to blog and bitch here. and you started a chat when u saw me online. and todae.. u gve me ur blog add. im sorrie i hadta lie when you asked if i'd ever been to your blog. you can't noe i have. or rather, i would prefer you didn't. but ur chat did help ta lighten me up jus a bit.
i came THIS close to giving you this blog add.
cept that i felt it was smth i wld seriously regret.
and i need to reserve a place to write about you.

jra: honestly. like that must be one of THE most himbo things i have EVER heard in my entire life. like WHAT THE HELL??!!.. im not sure wad happens now. honestly.. u have stumped me. im at a loss for words. completely.
-mus talk to drea tmr. see wad she says.

**MARK AND CHAR: dears.. without you guys i wouldve lost my sanity tonight. i love you two. thank you so much for listening to all my whining, bitching, complaining.. and apologies for the VERY free use of expletives i employed in my moment(s) of anger.

i wanna bang my head on the wall. over and over.
smebody tell me when its all over.

it strikes me that having exams was so much easier.
taxing, no doubt, but easier.

freedom.. is it over-rated?
or is it wad you make of it?

imtired. meeting char for more shopping tmr.
i have to slp now.
gdnite.

boo.

im here again. and of course, am not supposed to be.
hope mom and dad stay at that wake a little longer.
kkaes.. to err on the side of caution.. as i realli should do more often.. i'll try my best to make this a short post.
TRY the keyword in that sentence.

announcement:
HIST PAPER 3 IS OVER!!

hoorah. HALF of my most stressful paper is over.
and econs is over too.
i can shelve econs awae.. and nvr have to study it again.
hoorah.

damn mak-ko's home. gtg

revival

kkaes.. first of all, i need ta sae.. it has ocurred to me that people are still coming here and still reading this stuff. yipes. and to think that its been 'dead' for so long.. and pple still come back n check. shucks.. and i thot i could blog freely w/o having to care SO much [im still wary, this IS the internet after all] abt wad i type. HAH. guess again.

oh well.. tt's not to sae i dont appreciate you guys. *mwa. but well.. this means tt im going to give this blog a nice revival after A's are over. maybe try a new layout and maybe put that tagboard back in. and also.. i like my past two entries. no, 'like' is an understatement. love is more like it. i like reading them over.. gives me that same feeling of satisfaction at having gotten smth realli rather heavy off my chest. its possibly the next best thing besides telling the person to his/her face exactly how you feel. which, suffice to sae.. wil have consequences. not to sae that blogging doesn't but.. if u're ambiguous enough.. then yeah.. its all harmless. although.. its true.. the problems dont get solved. but hey.. how do u noe they'd be pleasibly solved if you had voiced ur feelings to that other person? you dont. there's no assurance. and this is human nature.. there never can be. and knowing me.. its better that i jus blog them down.

hmm..
AAaHhhHHhhh

A's HAVE begun!!
the MADNESS is HERE.
the WAR is here.

FINALLY. it's ABOUT TIME!

i wont quite go so far as to sae that dooms' day is here.. i still hold a little bit of hope. just a little. to give this 'soldier' sme reason to keep trudging on. just allow her that much.

so yes, they have begun. 2 papers down already. woohoo. gp was quite a manageable disaster. haha paradox. one passage instd of two [like ALL our sch practices].. and a tough summary and AQ. lit paper 1 was todae. my my.. awful and ok at the same time. paradox again. ok in the sense that the female characters qn which we did in lit enrichment came out.. sort of.. and that mr pang's spotting of egdon heath came out. awful in that the A&C qn was a killer.. and i chose it. and tho i got to weave in my sword and armour imagery.. i realli dont noe.. my answer was so dis-organised and the quotes were smehow inadequate. k.. inadequate for all three essays lah. and i kept running into time trouble. sigh.

oh wells. tmr there's econs essay at 2pm i think. sighs.. my econs grade depends on this paper. banking lots of marcoeconomy. i've studied onli dd n ss, elasticity, labour and wages, mkt failure and a bit of monopoly for microeconomy.. but im realli hoping to not have to do anything on those. i prefer and am more confident of macroeconomy. sigh. wells.. mugging macroeco tonight. and another thing. im REALLLI scared and not confident for history paper 3. yipes. i think im gonna die.

i've prepared for all my papers.. just about to the best of my ability. trust me.. i cant mug for much longer. but at the same time.. there's this worrying. nagging feeling which wont go awae. to some extent.. im glad for its existence.. which shld at least push me on.. and keep me from slacking. at the same time.. i wish it wld go awae and allow me to maintain sme degree of calm. nevermind. 2 papers down [despite most science pple having the majoirty of their papers down]. after this week is over.. i'll be able to breathe more easily. a paper a dae all this week.. mon to fridae.. and then just two more papers the week after. and then.. fini-to-eh. :D i've made sme modificiations to the cow in aunt's room [where i study] which used to count down to the no. of days left to GP. now it reads..
"10 DAYS MORE TO FREEDOM"

wonderful. just 10 days. and then i can hit the shops with char. get my shoes.. get my dress cut.. figure out where to do my hair and make up for prom. figure out wad to wear for after prom. maybe go get a new swimming suit. hmm.. buy clothes [and shoes and accessories] like there's no tmr. paint the town red. :D

moving on. i went to an old friend's blog. and found smth i wld realli like to quote.. cos i can understand and to sme extent feel/felt the same wae. [dont laugh].
frm weishan's blog:
insatiable
why is it always like this? when you dont have something, even little glimpse of it is enough to make you happy for the whole day, tht feeling only fades with the anticipation of seeing it again. and yet even though you're assured to be able to see it everyday, it somehow still isnt enough. you begin to want to see it a few times a day. and then when you are blessed with closer contact, why does the bliss wear off so quickly? why does it become a feeling of wanting more and more? more time, more questions, more answers? insatiable, thats why.

insatiable - impossible to satiate or satisfy
[according to dictionary.com. - im lazy to go and get the oxford dictionary]

this.. is wad i used to feel.. very much so. and yet.. its not completely gone either. there's still fragments of it here and there. but well.. let's sae.. it doesn't quite eat into me quite as much as before. not quite.

i like that feature i put in the last entry. let's go it again.

ssr: you've changed ur nick.. and that little bit in front which remained for so long and alwaez used to bug me.. [even tho its wierd cos its not even the girl u like].. is gone. and for sme reason.. it takes sme sting awae. jus a little. i hope ur papers are going fine. and much as i near grumbled at bumping into u at the entrance of ur exam hall after two of ur papers last week [by accident] and getting the chance to ask u abt them.. and i wonder how you've been doing. and
just now.. this very moment. fate hands me a most fortunate surprise. [which i hadnt even gone so far as to dare to wish for.] you just started chatting.. and asked me how my papers went. *smiles. im glad.. that you treat me as a friend now. and its true.. im over you.. i noe now, not to hope for more.

jra: mixed signals. i think everything's wierd and then i think everything's ok. and then i jus dont noe. im heartened tt you didn't dao me todae.

fuck lah. mom just caught me on the comp. dammit. the stupid coincidence everytime. dad was right. he'll come home and mom will complain to him... and then he can tell van.. 'ur sister's gone and done it again'. fuck lah. ju was right. i shld've jus got off the comp earlier. damn. nicely done mom. i need my sanity damnit. nicely done. "you're 18.. how many days more exams do you have?'.. arh fuck it. i need my fucking sanity mom. jus awhile on the comp dammit. and now i have to get off. and go bathe. and that means end chat with ssr. sigh. life sucks.

THIS is the reason why i can't get along with my mom.
she operates like one of them robots.
im a fucking human.
go be your own prim and proper robot.
i can't and wont work to the point like van till i get stomach aches and headaches and have to practically 'live' on nexium and panadol and cataflam.
i prize my fucking sanity.
fuck.
there. now u've got me throwing expletives all over the place.
there you go.

hi, its me.

haha.. who else could it be lah.
sorrie.. im temporarily insane.. can you tell? haha

i can't mug for much longer.
in a sense.. im glad the A's are finally just about here. [sorrie, my 1st paper's onli on fridae- but dont complain.. i onli end on the 23rd lah.]
even tho i noe im not fully prepared. even tho i take tv breaks and dont spend all my time mugging. [for the sake of my sanity, mind you]

yes.. im glad its all just about finally here. principally cos i can't last much longer like this.. and most of all.. because as far as im concerned.. i haven't got much of a life nowadays.. everything wonderful and exciting is right over there on the other side of the wall. this great big wall obstructing is the damn A's.

mugging all this time.. i've been removing block by block.. its been a damn slow, damn hard process.. studying jus about 9hrs a dae.. roughly lah. altho yes, i admit the quality is not always there 100%. but i'll remind you kindly..[with a SHOUT]
IM ONLI H-U-M-A-N.
not some stupid robot.

yes.. stupid A's... now that they're finally here.. they will end soon and then i can get on with life. and move on to all the other things i've been looking forward to. prom, shopping, carolling, family hol to austria, church grp trip to thailand.. FREEDOM principally.

and perhaps find out from smeone.. if there's any possibility.
-hmm.. dont try to guess who this is about. you may just assume its e wrong person.
and if you dont noe.. tt means i've not told you.. and u've no business to noe aniwae. sorrie to be blunt, but its as simple as that.

meanwhile.. u noe wad.. i think.. i've grown quite a lot this year.
friendship experiences-wise.. class politics.. other relations..
literature is relevant no matter what other pple may say. appearances vs reality. absolute key fact of life. this modern world we live in. sigh.
smebody made this line famous.. "its humanity i love, but man i hate"
i propose a modification.. "its man i love, but humanity i hate" haha.
dont ask me where that came from. im not quite sure myself.

a call frm smeone yesterday.. shed sme light on certain thing. but its just too bad that certain things have already been done and there's no turning back. and as far as my two other friends and i are concerned.. even if there was a chance at turning back.. noeing wad we do now.. seeing what we have.. there's no wae we'd consent to try and mend things. they're beyond mending.

there are three pple.. who dont noe of my blog as far as i noe.. to whom im jus putting down a simple note to.. jus cos i need to get things off my chest.
[again, dont just assume its you and get offended or anything.. cos that would be plain stupidity. and this is my blog.. i'll b ambiguous if i want to. thank you.]

and if those to whom the notes are really to.. happen to stumble across here and read this.. that's perfectly fine. as far as im concerned.. i've not insulted you openly [i didn't mention names].. embarassed either you or myself. and if u get the hint/msg, that's fine. if you dont, that's fine too- story of my life.

to ssr: im over you. in the sense that i noe now that there is absolutely no chance. and also.. now that i've figured out exactly who you like. it wasn't so very hard. turns out its the same person i alwaez thot it was aniwae. yes, im over you. but im still drawn to you. and im quite sure its obvious. but its okae.. i noe.. its onli superficial. and after all the A's are over.. i prolly wont b seeing you animore at all aniwae. so bear with me.. if i seem to be staring.. or constantly glancing in ur direction. and reading ur blog.. jus hurts smetimes. perhaps because.. isn't it just the stupidest, almost farnie thing.. sme of the things you write abt how you feel towards her.. i can understand.. cos once upon a time.. i felt that wae.. towards you. but once upon a time. no longer.

to darthvader: on some counts.. what happened wasn't exactly fair [to either of us]. i read [past tense] into things more than i shld've.. and you well.. i wish you'd have thought to communicate more, than i might not have misunderstood.. and got my hopes up.. to end up quesitoning myself when in actual fact, it had nth to do with me. and maybe you cld've tried to spare a thought for my feelings. and seeing as how we have so many mutual friends.. i still can't let go the fact that you cld've done things in so many different ways. and things wldn't have come to a close on such an awful note. instd.. me, who i supppose was seeking closure [despite having closed the hope books with regards to you.. long before].. jus HAD to noe. sorrie u cldn't get awae w/o being the bad guy. so at any rate.. i got my answer. but well.. as char told me.. you chose to do things the way you did. so be it. we're not even friends animore. partially.. i noe.. im making things bigger than they were.. and getting overly-touchy abt smth that never was. but that's just too bad for you. i simply said i dont feel like talking to you. and im glad that i havne't since. yes, glad. to sme extent.. it cld be that you've done the same.. neglected to even try.. to re-establish a friendship.. on the pretext of respecting my space. at the same time.. i wont deny.. it hurts a lil.. noeing that you can jus nt care.. tt u've lost a friend. the wae you act as tho you dont even see me. but hey.. it doesn't matter anymore. past. i hate seeing you or hearing you. and if i do.. expect me to wear a most hostile look.. cos as far as im concerned.. tt's all you're gonna get from me. and u better hope u're lucky.. tt i can forgive.. and nt make an attempt to do smth at prom.

to jra: at this point in time.. im just about ready to give up. partially cos it hurts too much to keep the hope book open with nothing ti write in it. and it migh jus be easier to put the bookmark in and wait to see if a time will come when it can be opened again. because im sure, tt now, if ever is just not the time. and i hate that you dont reply my msges animore. and its a devaju.. me quesitoning myself inside.. if its jus you finding tt im irritating. or if ur inbox is full again. or if u're realli blocking everything out in the name of mugging for A's, the blessed A's. and even if the latter is the case.. i dont noe. it may not be enough for me. that you cldn't even reply a simple msg asking how ur paper was. cos to me.. that would be simple courtesy.
but well.. i'll wait and see.. there's time yet and opportunities yet. we'll jus get thru the A's first.

-if you think u noe who im referring to.. but wanna noe for sure.. msg me and ask me. aint no other wae u're gonna noe. and if i dont reply.. well then u'll noe tt i simply dont want you to noe. get off my back.

well that's all for now. a good blog vent, i've run dry. and 'sides mom's gonna b home soon. and i wld like to not get caught on the laptop. before she starts nagging. cos shez one of those creatures who expects tt i do nothing but studystudystudy since A's are here. -wadeva. i've already made coment on that above.