she doubts.

she realises.. that she can't do this animore. all this damn obsession.. and yes, no running away, that's what it is indeed. is bloody unhealthy. and its stupid, silly, idiotic, and i say again: stupid, silly, idiotic. she can't try and try to engineer.. she wants ultimately.. to be charmed, and while she'd like to entertain the thought of such possibilities, she notes that she doesn't absolutely need to be charmed at this juncture. at this juncture.. all she wanted.. was to be able to talk decently.. to hold conversations of reasonable length and topic and exchange. to not have to feel so bloody conscious of herself every single time u pop out. [yet.. is tha tnot part and parcel of liking smeone?] smth which.. she thinks she has sort of finally achieved.. but my goodness.. the amount of effort SHE had to put in.

she begins to wonder why she's carried on bothering and trying to engineer when things are moving in such a wierd direction. at some points.. she can't help wondering if things have moved at all. but at the same time.. when she looks back at where she started, to some extent, she can't really complain too much. but sometimes, instead of going straight.. we moved in a zig-zag fashion.. and that kind of confused her. [and no doubt, still does]..

she hates the way you affect her. [and you dont even have to really do anything much].. she's hated the way she's turned green three times recently.. and the bitchiness that came out as a result. she turned green, not because she thought they were your attachments.. but more because of the way that you are with them that you aren't with her. she couldn't help but notice.. and of course, she knew, you knew she was looking. [just as you've known for a long time now] she's hated that awkward feeling [for an eternity] because she knows that probably.. almost your whole class knows. most of all.. she hates the effect she lets you have on her.. and how she's been structuring her days to try and have YOU in them.

so i guess this is all about self-hate. she's come to the conclusion.. that since she'd probably never have the guts to clear the air properly with you... and knowing that you'd never ask.. she's going to TRY.. to simply distance herself. she won't totally dao you.. she'll jus stop her engineering attempts and stop going out of her way just to catch the slightest glimpse of you. she'll still be nice when she sees you and as long as you're nice back, she'll be fine.

obsession's not healthy anyway. and maybe, she's attempting to salvage some pride.. and maybe she's attempting to see if she can still find who she is.. without you in the picture. cold treatment?.. maybe.. but she would have hoped that you'd know by now.. that she doens't know/ have it in her.. to be warm in awkward situations. she's engineered quite enough. ultimately.. she needs to be charmed. she's never believed in the girl being the charm-er. so maybe she lives in the world of romantic make-believe.. which only exists in novels and the minds of the idealists.

and at the same time.. she wonders how long this new resolve will last. and if she'll be able to keep it up. she wonders if it'll make things worse.. only able to console herself that things have never really been concretely, consistently good so far. she wonders if it's for the better of for the worse.. or if u'll even take any notice. she wonders if it'd matter to you at all.. if u'd give it a second thought or even wonder why. and instinctively.. judging by her stupidity and idiocy in the whole issue, she guesses that the answer is 'no'.

she's already anticipating gloomier days.. for the highs that interaction/incidences with you, gave her.. were her daily supplements. let the withdrawal begin. can awkward be any awkward than she's already experienced? she doubts. and yet dreads tomorrow for the uncertainty of whether she'll be able to handle what comes. and more importantly.. handle herself in relation to you.

reasons unknown

im in a happy happy mood. for reasons unknown.. but as recently brought to the fore again.. im bringing up my self-preservation theory. i tell myself not to question the happiness but rather to question the sadness. there's no harm in happiness in little things [nonsensical as it may seem, at least u're happy].. depression in little things however makes much less sense and really isn't worth it. that.. is my self-preservation theory. hah.. call it self-delusion.. psychological manipulation.. whatever.. itz okay. keeps me happy most of the time. for which i can't complain.

yikes. e week's jus flown by. the crazy new timetable we had.. and extra studying time. hahas.. n now there's YET another new timetable. okay lah.. im done latest by 2pm everyday. not including cca days lah. only that training's will probably have to b at night at cdans over the next two weeks leading up to cdans competition.. for which, have i mentioned yet.. i feel utterly unprepared. im still shooting like shit.. waiting for night training on tuesday i think. then i guess i shall have to go to coach and let him analyse and help me figure out my problem. i swear its so frustrating.. because im trying as hard as i can to control all the problems i know i have. and then it just doesn't really seem to help. maybe sarah's right.. just at that point where you've got to break through to the next level. much as im dreading the approaching coach part.. i guess it'll all be for the better.

on another note.. saturday's training was very veyr fun. :) haha.. for reasons which i can't reveal here. maybe dame's right.. if i kept a diary on that subject.. it would probably be very very very full. provided i could spare the time within the scant twenthy-four-houred day that we all have to abide by. [which i know i won't].. hahs. yeah.. saturday was lovely.. even though i did get home a little later than i was supposed to and that i guess i could have spent more time studying.. if not for those hours i was out. but heyy.. no regrets man. haha. super thnx to lingzhi, jo, sarah and mel singh. [even tho they dont visit, doesn't matter]

yeap.. itz been a very econs weekend. the econs international economy essays.. and part a of the case study which he went through already but im just re-doing as a way of revision. and then i revised international economy. and i've spent a huuuuuuggee portion of today doing econs tys on money and international economy. goodness.. was soooo painful. boy was mr leong right. haix.. oh wells.. at least the mountain while not scaled yet.. is in the process. though it still looks daunting as ever.. i hope i'll b better able to manage the mcq test. i dont know.. i guess it feels sort of good that i was able to plough through something which i knew had to be done and was totally dreading doing. itz not all done.. of course, but i decided.. i really have to switch to something else. so its history tonight. which thankfully.. lets me in here to express a little.

215 days left. its freaky, really. i still haven't had the chance to plan a proper revision plan with the syllabi. in fact. im having trouble visualising how next week is going to go. what with night training at cdans.. and possibly a movie with the gals one day aft school. and study time. yeah. and i still want to go for church bible sharing this coming week too, especially since last week's was cancelled because there were so few people going. [partly because i couldn't go because it was dads birthday] and i need to catch up with these people. and well.. every week i lay in hope that we'll start planning again.. for a trip back to baan kae noi. i desperately want to go back again at the end of this year.

oh been going to sunday mass these last two weeks. i like helping mak-ko greet and stuff. and i didn't realise that jeremy still goes to church.. haven't seen him in church in eons. and was super happy because i saw lavinia's dad in church today. for some reason.. im happy when i see him in church. because he's a nice guy.. and iz nice that he himself comes once in a while.. even though he can't get the whole family to go. i dont know.

anyway.. i've got to go now. to write an email to church people.. and to get on with history. and maybe plan abit about the silly 'test' i've got to have for gp enrichment. sheesh. though that jeremy fernando does make things less dreadful than proper lessons, though i really wish i had the same creative capability that puts dell and him on that communicable level. most times.. im the one sitting there.. trying to figure out what the hell they're talking about. hah. ciao. have a good week everyone. :) *mwahs. and thanks to mark, wan, char, dame, ling zhi, sarah, mojo.. for everything. just being there, most of all. :)

and as for action plan char.. hahs.. i've got the feeling it probably wont come through, just as other devious plans of its kind have fallen through in one way or another.. simply because i've gotten too excited over it.. cos there's been too much thought put into it already and it'd seem too good to be true. and because i probably dont know how to fumble with a tie. hahs. oh well.. we'll see tomorrow, wont we?

napfa tmr. yikes. blasted sit and reach and standing broad jump.

she.

we live in a sad sad world where people rarely bother to try and relate to other people. they only know how to want other people to relate to them. i guess im learning.. that when u try to split urself into two.. so as to get the best of both worlds.. there will b times when.. you're not as tight with the rest in each respective group. to both, you are.. just the passing wind. not unwelcome.. and not a stranger.. but passing. i suppose it gets to me smetimes.. but it is what i chose for myself. so i'll live with it.

i haven't written in a long time now. haven't even been on the laptop the whole week. hmm.. im a way.. i like this new timetable... although there's less happy hours during break.. and there's less breaks.. we get off really quite early almost everyday. and that gives me motivation to study. i'll stay in sch awhile longer.. till abt 5ish usually and just study at one of my favourite spots.. the tables near the grandstand there. and i can usually get a decent amount of work done and it makes me happy. yes, it makes me happy. haha.. the nerdification process has begun. only, i must find a way to make myself do lots of economics very very VERY soon. that mountain is building up. and while im steadily tackling the history mountain.. the econs mountain.. is still looking preeetty daunting.

dad's birthday and shooting j1 orientation and bible sharing cancelled. and tomorrow there's going to be a practical criticism mock from 3-6ish. im extremely pissed off that it's taking up good hours that could have been well used studying. i was planning to do my history readings. speaking of which, oh haha.. isaac/issac and the photocopying machineS in the library today after school. that was very funny. lol :P haha then there's training at cdans on sat frm 9-11am. and i can't go to yy's birthday party. and there's church on saturday. so that's a quick skim of the week.. what's come and gone and some of what's yet to come. haix. stressed.. and scared.. itz ALREADY april. as of today [ref date of entry].. there's 218 days left to my first A Level paper. might still seem like a big number.. but hey.. there's still going to be prelims. and i dont wanna only be truly ready the day before the REAL A Level paper. scared.. so scared. haix.

and there's news that they're going to change the timetable again. having mixed feelings.. i like this schedule for the extra time it affords me to study in school. which to me, after school hours.. in school.. is where i study quite well. and i hope the tchrs and coach and bro paul lets us train at SAFRA, cos i definitely CAN'T train at night. need to STUDY.

and slight inspiration from reading manda's blog.. She is her own person, yet sometimes fails to see herself. She wishes the mood of her day wasn't measured out by whether or not she gets to bump into or talk with you. she chides herself for the effect you have on her.. and can't help but wonder if you know [and what exactly you (think you) know].

early mornings

i just broke one of my resolutions. wow, how nice.



"overflow of happy laughter..
growing.. closer to u more than ever."
-train on a track

""but im fine.. jus moving forward."
-beautiful soul

if i could go in early every morning and sit opposite from you.. i would. and yet not be able to explain why.

venting

i was asked to go and visit someone's blog just now.. and i guess it just struck me how interesting everybody else's life seems. seems i would suppose is the keyword here, but i guess i wouldn't really know, now, would i? and i guess i've been feeling rather crummy in terms of self-worth lately. which is something i know i really shouldn't, but i do.

i dont really know.. while some things have begun to pick up in ways that i could only haf imagined.. [and never thought possible].. other things are plummetting and i find myself getting really rather depressed. common tests.. and common test results.. and the PTM today. i dont noe. not a very good series of events. and then there's that.. i dont want this to be my last jc year feeling. im just settling in and getting used to jc life.. and learning to love it. i dont want to come face to face with A Level's this year.. i've forgotten how it was with the O Level's.. and i dont feel the extreme need to be reminded either. and yet.. it has presented itself, unrequested. bah.

i wonder if it's just me.. or the 'the grass is always greener on the other side' theory playing out. the issue of controversy.. [as i think of history].. i guess would be whether the grass is really greener or not. but what a trivial, idiotic thing to be thinking about. the common tests were shitty. i didn't study hard enough.. i didn't take enough care to prepare as best as i could. it was rushed and there wasn't enough time, but still. and i therefore performed really badly and got atrocious results. results im ashamed to say i got. results which make me feel like an idiot. results that make me wonder why i chose the subjects i chose. and how in the world im going to make it to A Level's with a decent set of grades. results that make me want to cry. when i think about it.. i know why i didn't do well, i mean.. minimal effort translates to not very spectacular grades, doesn't it?

there's 223 days left before A Level's.. and im scared shit-less. but im still not able to find nough time in the day to study properly. im still tempted to go online and to spend time online blogging. im still procrastinateing with some of my work. im still doing those things which i have a drive to do first, for fear that trying to do the things which i lack drive for.. will waste more time and not allow me to get to the things which i do have drive for. but that's no good either.. because the things that i dont have the drive for.. only get chucked aside.. and the mountain's building up. just like itz good friend, the pressure.

caves in on me.. that im the only kid, despite being the oldest, that probably gives mom and dad the most to worry about. and i hate that. i swear i nearly cried when mr leong brought up shooting at the ptm. that's not fair.. cos that really really hurt. i try bloody hard for shooting.. and even take it more seriously than it should be taken.. apparently. but.. it doesn't show. dont you think i know that im the bloody lousiest in the team?.. dont you think i know that while u guys are probably going to send me for the competition, its only because there isn't anyone else to send? dont you think i know.. and feel lousy about it? i train harder than mel and char.. and im okay with that.. because i know itz because i dont have that base talent that they have. but dont you think i hate knowing that my score will probably be the one that pulls down the whole score of the team?

and yet.. i dont want to blame mr leong for that. i guess he's a teacher and he's just bringing up what he sees as a possible problem and an area for me to fix. if it was only so easy to fix. and i've thought as much myself.. but it just really hurt hearing it from someone else as well i guess. and technically, it shouldn't, but it does.

and mom.. i swear.. i was just trying to help finish the kway teow like you said. and all i said was that if i try to eat supper.. dont allow me to. and she just had to bring in if you have enough discipline you dont have to rely on other people.. blah blah blah. i swear, totally un-necessary, totally un-related. and at the same time.. i can't say anything. i can't perform and show her that im doing fine, she therefore automatically gets the rights to patronise me and say whatever she wants. and i can't do anything. wonderful.

going to try and set a few resolutions which are going to apply from now on. resolutions:

im going to be going online a lot less from now on.

[which probably means fewer entries too, but what's new huh? not many people come by here anymore anyway]

going to sleep by 12.30 or latest 1am.

[i REALLY can't sleep in class anymore, i swear i'll just kill myself]

got to have at least 3 solid hours of studying per night.

[wednesdays i shall take as a break i guess] shall try and spend one of those three hours revising something or other.

i dont know.. in some ways.. the past two weeks have been wonderful. there've been "developments" [for lack of a better word] which i never thought would have happened.. and i guess though i dont really know where itz headed, at least.. things are moving. and im glad. more glad than u could know. but.. im still trying to figure it out. trying to be less obvious than i've already been being from last year. trying to figure out what pride will keep me from doing, what pride i've still got left despite knowing that someone knows.

and through all of this nonsense.. im so glad for wednesdays. that there's bible sharing and meeting up with people who've come to be close friends and confidantes of mine. for people i can lean on and call or whine to when im feeling in the pits. wednesday nights keep me going.

and today, i feel like a useless bum who doens't deserve all she's got. and tomorrow's already sunday. no, itz past 12am already. today is sunday. wow.

do me a favour and dont bother about this entry. im fine.. im just using the blog for what it was always meant to be used for. venting.