HI!!

hi everybody.

i've just spent the WHOLE day at home.
doing .. nothing much.
hahas.

i've got a new blog!!..
but it's currently under construction kkaes.
will put the link here in due course of time.. when it's ready.

but i need help!!
who's good with html??
if anybody noes how ta make a sidebar that would be extremely helpful.

mum will be home soon.
so im off ta go and take a bath.
lest she should see me on the laptop.
i think we'll be doing more clearing tonight.
sigh.. oh well.. all towards a VERY VERY goood cause.

sorry for this muddle-headed entry.
will explain all when i've time.

aaAAaaahhhHHHh

it's just one of those days where i wish i was near mark's place.. and i could shout across to the causeway..
FFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!
when mark and his friend did that the last time.. i thought they were mad.
i ALSO didn't use the f word quite as frequently as i do now.
i was still good then.. the f word was totally new to me.
look at me now!!... HAHAHAHAHA.

the way i feel now is due to the mixture and combined effect of multiple factors.
which equate to an ultimately crummy deal.
i didn't think it humane to call smeone up and make him/her listen to all my whinings.
so i am here to just let go of some of the steam.

bugger.

1) stupid JRA and oms
frick it.
church meeetings have become a test of my tolerance.
i feel like im kicking myself in the butt.
here i am trying to believe that im so way over you.
and yet.. when you're there.. im just so very conscious of the fact that i still do like you.
and just to try and prove to myself that i wont allow it..
i purposely dont look in your direction.
i purposely almost never address you diretly.
i purposely dont suan you and try to make a point of not purposely paying you any particular attention.

but im told the sarah state of 'nirvana' is in accepting that you will still like the person. [and i suppose resist by hook or crook the temptation to act on it or show any indication of interest/caring more than a friend. ]
what kind of nirvana is this??
cos this sure dont feel like no nirvana.
nirvana shouldnt be painful.

yet i can't help still feeling those dark edges of evil and awful jealousy.
like when she brings an xbox frm work and you guys start enthusing about xbox games and what not.
like when she suans you repeatedly, just like i used to.
like when she, you and another start talking enthusiastically about places you guys should go to drink.
like when you guys discuss diff types of drinks.
like when she turns to ask him if he wants to go for a drink with her before turning down my offer to drop her home [cos we live so nearby].

biatch biatch biatch.
what the hell are they doing?
not like they cld realli like each other.
-if they did.. well i'd jus hafta suck it up and accept.

but it's not even that.
as another friend said.. he'll never be smart enough for her.. and she'll nvr be lady-like enough for him.

my better half says they're just very good friends now. nth more.
my worse half says 'EVEN THEN'.
im jealous of that even.

i need to get a life. this isn't healthy.

2) uni applications.
good grief.
i noe he means well and all.. but dad's really being rather nitpicky about the discretionary part of the application.
i keep having to re-write.. let them vet.. listen to his comments.. try and change it again.
it's the bloody 23rd of mar already.. the application is due by the 1st of march.
i mean i noe that it isn't strictly on a first-come-first-serve basis.. but honestly.. am i the onli one feeling jittery?

we've gotten thru all the course discussion parts already.. i thought we never would.
onli to get held up again.. it's tedious.

and i found it almost incredulous that he could talk to me about planning and crafting when it's just a paragraph.
i mean the word limit is like 300 words lah. or 1200 characters.
not some essay or short story or thesis.

3) something's missing.
you see.. this is what i meant about the phase where i dont have anybody to like.
beyond not even having a face to put to every gal's secret dream to being swept off her feet or falling head over heels over.
beyond all that.. it leaves this gal's head too damn bloody idle.
so damn bloody idle that everything comes under scrutiny.
things i shouldnt and wouldnt normally think about come under the magnifying glass.
and everything else which i already can't help thinking about just gets further magnified and enlarged.

was catching up with leong wan.. and it's farnie how our conversation floated to the topic of relationships.

she was saying guys are idiots. [jokingly, not vindictively.]
unfortunately.. i said i hafta agree. but i did try ta help you guys speak up a lil.. and said that some guys can be quite good friends.

i have however.. one major flaw/problem.
that line between friend.. and something more.
the thinnest.. most flexible.. complicated line there ever was.
and most of the time.. im the one tt attempts to fudge it a little.
onli to realise it's kinda thicker than i thought.. [and in the end get completely nowhere]

my first 2 crushes.. were simply that. crushes.. i didnt at first even noe the person.
but i did of course try my best to engineer so as to get to noe them as best i could and build a candid friendly relationship.
in the first case.. the cat was let out of the bag.. but we still remain ok friends. [but with so little in common that we hardly talk anymore]
in the second case.. to me.. it seems so obvious the cat might as well be out of the bag.. [i think and believe fervently tt he noes] but eitherway.. we're quite ok friends now.
and i'd hardly wish for anything more with either of these two.

after that.. there was the single exception -where i wasn't the one that fudged the line. onli when i was kinda ready ta try and fudge it.. the idiot had re-traced the line already. [without bothering to let me noe]
we dont even talk anymore.

and then there's e one where it's kinda a mix of crush and thinning line.
it was the oldest crush which had for the most part remained dormant.. and then got revived through friendship. and as we got closer as friends.. i thought the line was getting thinner. and so cleverly tried to fudge it.
-onli to find that there is no possibilty because we are completely incompatible. but by that time.. the friendship was already [and still is] no longer what it was.

then there's a lil smth else i must kill in the bud.
nevermind. not abt to explain.

-------------------------------------------
ok.. im all maxed out for clubbing already.
twice in a month is the beginning of a poetentially rather unhealthy habit.
one i need to nip in the bud.. occasional clubbing onli pls.
and the fact tt mum knew and was okae with me having gone to zouk.. is a shock which im stil trying to get used to.
still haven't figured out if tt means i can just tell her im going clubbing in the future.

but i neeeeeddd to shop dammit.
i want mango jeans.
i want to go to ikea.

i need to start exercising again. damn.

and now.. i need to sleep.
damn.. i wanna go watch scary movie 4.
hmm.. we'll see about next month maybe.

things i hate

i hate when mum and dad are right.
[give them credit as parents for being right.. but dont we all hate it when our parents are right?]

yes, im timid.
im not particlarly driven by initiative and smetimes i need a little pushing before i actually get anything done.
YES, i wont try to deny.

but i am trying to do some of the things of my own accord already.
and i wont let my ego swell with over-confidence.
over-confidence is just pretending you're good at smth you actualy realli suck at.
useful skill for life.. yeah i think so.
but i aint one of those pple who can pretend to be smth im not.
im just no damn good at that.

there are things which im good at and things which i suck at.
and as far as possible.. i try to just stick to the things i noe i can do.
and it's human nature to like them more.
i noe you'd prefer if i sucked it up and conquered it all.. but.. that's not quite my make-up.

i hate to admit that you're right.
but you are.. to sme extent.
my room's a mess.
i hate to clear.. and im blatantly procrastinating.

yes.. im a floater.
it is often said of me.. that i generally float thru life.. without realli takin much initiative, pushing for what i want.

i'll have you know.. it takes a certain degree of skill of float too.
i let you guys say what you wanna say. - which usually means swaying me and my original inclination.
and beyond that.. i dont push things much.. cos of the differences we have in views.
because you'll just say im being stubborn [for not seeing things your way], and even sometimes because you've managed to show me some merit in an option i would not originally have considered and suddenly.. i can't just go with my gut-feel anymore.


i hate that i depend on you so much.
that this spat of potential suaning has made me more conscious.
because the last thing i'd want to do is lose you as a friend.
and a great friend at that.

i hate the recent spat.. for feeding the over-reader in me.
i dont want to give it extra cause.

the smile.. when im with you.. when im talking with you.. when im chatting with you.
last time i checked.. it was there.
i dont noe what to think.

the fact prevails however.. im sure it isn't what i think.
i dont want to think anymore.


i can swoon watching 'ten things i hate about you' rofl.
heath ledger: "can't take my eyes off of you.. you feel like heaven to touch.. i wanna hold you so much.. .. I LOVE YOU BABY.. "
cher: .. oooohhhh.. *smiles wide smile* [sings along a little], so sweet.

okay.. i can hear you going SHEEEEEESSHHH.

"send smeone to love me.. "
"walk alone with me"
"wonderwall"
-IM STILL WAITING.

"there are many things that i would like to say to you,
but i dont noe how..
i said maybe.. you're gonna be the one that saves me..
and after all.. you're my wonderwall"
-do you even noe you're my wonderwall?

untitled

-birthday clubbing

clubbing with ALIVE ta celebrate my birthday.
full of surprises hah.
pretending you're over smeone when you're realli not quite there yet.. aint quite the piece of cake i try to make it out to be.
but then again.. i am also. realli.. so way over you.
by the way.. i didn't like what i saw.
and i wont tell many pple bout it.. and even if i did im sure they'd jus sae tt's wad pple do in clubs.. yeah yeah.

no matter what i sae.. its difficult.. to still meet up.
there were times when i nearly lost it that dae.
just wanted ta get awae from a particular two pple.
drea says the other can't help just being like that.
honestly.. im sorry.. i dont accept that. it aint good enough for me.
right in front of me.
in my face.

get this.. i wasn't being pulled awae from y'all by the crowd.
i was TRYING to get awae.
i can take care of myself, thanks.

sigh. and there's still meetings and a retreat we're planning.
well well.. i foresee more eye-rolling ahead.
whatever.

-movies
DAMN.. everybody should go and catch DATE MOVIE.
hahahs..
it was a damn damn good laugh. :D
the spoofs were amazingly funny.

altho.. i hafta add.. the jokes and funny parts also happen ta be amazingly gross.
so.. this aint quite a movie for the faint-hearted.
rofl

i myself, hadta keep using my handbag ta cover my face at some parts.
for the sake of preservation of sanity.
or maybe just for the sake of not puking.
ROFL.

-pain

pain is when you have to keep seeing the person you're still not quite over yet.
and to know and accept that things arent the same and will nvr be again.
pain is to have him and smeone else u noe [to whom you happen to have confided in once] having a rocking gd time right in front of you.
pain is the feeling that you get when the jealousy ignites.

the remedy..

is getting awae frm the sight which burns my eyes.
is rolling my eyes everytime i feel the little sparks from the jealousy.
and well, bitching of course.

pain is wad you get when you noe a friend cant get over that person whom he/she realli should be over -cos he's worth so much more.
[cos she doesn't treat him well enough or even appreciate him]
pain is understanding that feeling of standing unrequited.


pain is when pple start to pick up on smth you've harboured deep inside.
just a little hope you tried to keep deep deep inside for the super long run.
a super tentative 'maybe'.
smth you've long since told urself will probably never be.
because things are too complicated. on both sides.
because.. both sides are still tangled.

and when pple pick up on it too.. there's no more wondering if it's just you.

what would it be like if we were together?
haha.
it might be sweet.

but we aren't.

and meanwhile the sadist in me is getting a good feed.
with pple backing her up, suspecting and about ta suan and ask.

different degrees of friends and different degrees of like.
perhaps it also somewhat scares me that this is a new level i've nvr been on.
i lied.. not self-invented.. but undefined, unchartered territory.
that's the current state/siatuation.


van's birthday bash

im gonna b completely plain and say that i did not have a good time yest.
so not my kinda thing.
not my idea of a good time.
and now im itching ta go clubbing again.
hah. my idea of a good time.

but then again.. i dont go clubbing for the usual reasons pple go.
aka.. hmm.. to get drunk, to pick up chicks [or get picked up].
i just go ta dance ta e music, hang loose and have a good time with friends.

and i aint gnna go if SHE is there and HE is there.
or if i do.. just to prove to myself i can take it.. dont expect me ta hang around close ta y'all.
i'll b moving ta get pple in between so that i save my eyes from burning.

flood

I HAD A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION THANKS TO T9 peepz and son. :]
thank you for making the day wonderful.



well.. results are out.
i didn't do half bad. but i am a little disappointed that i didn't get any A's. especially given the hard push i gave for my history.
but hey.. two bs and a d aint bad at all.

sigh.
truth is.. i was a lil sad when i first got back my results.
scared, because if i realli think about it.. my results aren't realli that great. especially not compared to my sister's six points for her o levels.
but then.. i just took comfort in that fact that it realli was quite okae.. rather comfortable score which shld b able to get me where i wanna go. [the task of deciding where that will be, is however a totally different matter]

but when mom called and said she was happy..
a weight lifted.
i became glad after that.. one of the things which i told god when i was praying before the results came back is that i dont want to let mum and dad down.
i noe im the one they always fight about.
i noe that they may not necessarily conciously compare me to van.. but it's there.. right out in the open for anyone to see.

well.. so i was glad after that that i hadnt let them down. and ms koh said my grades were good, mum happy and mak-ko happy.
esp seeing as how some friends were rather sad abt their results, i didn't see why i should have any right to feel upset at mine.

but they fought about me again last night.
i hate the state of my relationship with my mom.
it sucks.
mis-communication. sucks.
fuckit. the dense woman stuck in her pragmatist ways cant see that what i need is a mother not a damn frigging boss.
gosh.
dont always read two steps ahead can??
i dont always do things thinking more than one step ahead, the unofficial things especially.

i didn't mean to do what you thought.
i would never have sent in the applicaiton without running it by you.
and i onli did that cos i thought that was what you were asking me to do.
you're always nagging me to get things done and use it as a measure of my enthusiasm towards it and how much i want it.
and i did do some groundwork.. i had specifically told you just earlier in the day.

and then as expceted dad comes down to talk to me later.
onli he wants me to go back up and start over.. show her everything i've done.
fuckit.
you didnt even wanna listen to me when i go up.
and then after i go down.. you quarrel about me with dad.
i can FUCKING hear you from the bottom of the spiral staircase.

FUCKING SHIT lah.
talk to ME if u wanna figure out wad i meant.
and from the stupid incident.. you can go on to talking about my thought process.. about how i always screw up instructions.
INSTRUCTIONS.. i must be sme fucking robot.
you wont stand for that, you wont stand for this.
you dont wanna hold my hand.
and you think im emulating mak-ko.
CMON!!.

yeah.. she's my mom figure.. but that's cos you're just too busy being the friggin BOSS figure.. and i never set you up for that.
mak-ko laughs at me, laughs with me, laughs at herself.
and accepts that im not the most clear-minded person there is on the face of the earth.
but im not even emulating her. good grief.. of all things.. to think you cld say a thing like that.

-you noe.. it's funny how you can specifically try your best to avoid a certain situation, but easily find yourself right smack in it.

CHOICES.
bull shit.
pple always always say they want freedom of choice.
but whenever choices have to be made, do you even realise the huuge headache it creates?

how difficult it is to actually make that choice?
especially in tiny little singapore which is ever-kiasu and ever-competitive.
where each option will obviously try to make itself the most attractive.

Have you ever watched that "Friend's" advertisement on star world?
the food or sex debate.
which one would you rather give up > food or sex?

and joey can't deicide..
he goes food.. sex.. food.. sex.. food.. sex
I DONT KNOW!!
I WANT BOTH.

I WANT WOMEN ON BREAD!!

the universal reaction is to laugh.
but joey's reaction is very human.
so human, it's scary.
because im in his position now.

I DONT MEAN ABOUT FOOD VS SEX.
but i mean about uni choices.

i want direct honours.
but i dont want a whole bunch of cheenas.
i want to try tourism and hospitality perhaps.
but i dont want to be separate from all my friends. [who are going to the other uni]

I WANT DIRECT HONOURS AND TOURISM AND HOSPITALITY AND ALL MY FRIENDS DAMMNIT.

but you can't have it all.
and i dont know what im going to do.

CONSEQUENCES
i was having a talk with mark the other day and so many random topics came up because he had called on tues night to keep me from worrying about the results due on wednesday.
and the topic of consequences came up.

with regards to anything in life.. there are consequences.
fact of life.
everybody noes it.

there are some people who are extremely straightforward and will tell smeone to their face, if they like them.
i will never be one of those people.
im onli human.. the consequences kill my guts.

and smetimes.. you have to see what the situation is like.
be fair to the other person.
what's the use of confessing if you dont mean to get together?
if you realise that it can't work, or that you dont even noe why you like that person.. or if you know instinctively that the other person doesn't reciprocate.. honestly i ask you.. just what is the point in confessing??!!

this is the stuff which kills friendships.
which breeds awkward-ness.
are you willing to risk all that??

every once in awhile.. i get the slightest itch.. to confess things to certain pple.. apologise to some.. confess to others.. but i dont.
why??
cos the apology wldn't make a difference and it hardly matters cos i'll nvr see him anymore and it's not like he cares anyway.
cos the confession wldn't make a difference. we're so incompatible and it's obviously not reciprocated.
as it is.. i single-handedly bred the awkwardness on my own. tackling it is already a hand full but we get on fine msot of the time now..
im not about to do anything to risk making that worse.


23: i saw you on wednesday when we went back to get results.
it's almost strange to see you again.
i bet you dont noe im still smewhat drawn.
i wish you would've bothered to come over and ask how i did.
and then i cursed at myself for that thought.
end of chapter.
now.. i will surely never see you again.
fine and dandy.
i wish you well anyway.

darth vader: piece of shit.
i hate that we hadta combine classes for the stupid release of result slips.
i hate that i had to see you.
i heard from smeone about ur grades.
i dont even noe wad possessed me to ask.
i dont care.
but curiosity just got the better of me.
now.. i will surely never see you again.
fine and dandy.
a part of me wishes you well.
the other part.. wishes you nothing.

jra: i msged to ask you how you did.
and you didn't answer.. but smehow.. i wanted to noe.
plus.. i care a little more i guess.
as a friend.
so i called.. and you answered and we talked a bit.
thanks.
it made me happy.
funny.. the effect you still have on me.

dell was so cute.. when we were in the canteen.. warned me not to look left cos ssr was there. but i said, it's okae.. im way over him already. and i am.
while we were walking towards the pac.. i pointed out to her the one i can't get over yet. the one on the left.
hah.
funny how things go.

on sat.. we're celebrating my birthday. ALIVE [church group]
dinner smewhere and then clubbing at mos.
jra's gonna be there.. i told mark to expect an email from me after that. [since he wont b in singapore for me ta call and chat with]

the kind of shit i get myself into.
i noe.. already.. that im going to hurt.
that there will be some kind of awkward occurrence.
but, truth is.. i'd be absolutely disappointed if he were to not turn up.
absolutely, thoroughly and definitely.

just as surely.. im sure.. i will feel the same pain i get everytime i see him.
everytime we have a church group thingy.
i noe it even tho it's onli friday.
it's not even saturday yet but it doesn't matter.
i noe it. for a fact.
i noe myself well.

the sadistic part?
im looking forward to saturday still.