believe me

Chorus
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

I don't want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playin 'em
I'm just sayin
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that

Now you've gotta face the pain
And the devil's got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hand
Now I don't really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
And whatever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen to me

:Chorus:

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt
But it's not gonna work
Cause it's really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something you were not And now this guilt is really all that I got

Uh
You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
And hear my voice in your head when no one else is around
So what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
And whatever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen to me

:Chorus:

Instrumental Break

:Chorus:

I'll do what i have to do
You're on your own now believe me

Whatever happend to you?
You're on your own now believe me

What do I have to say?
You're on your own now believe me

It's not gonna happen to me
You're on your own now believe me

better late than never

well well.. i noe lent's just ended.. but i was just thinking.
i never actually managed to really make any sacrifice during lent, as we're kind of supposed to do.
-i couldn't stop going clubbing
-i couldn't stop swearing
-i couldn't stop being selfish

but it's never too late to make sacrifices and chip in that little extra bit for lent yeah.
this past week i've been shuttling from home to church to bbdc.. or home to bbdc to church. been helpingout with the preparations for holy week.
i've actually done more chores in church than i have at home now.
ironing cloths for the adoration and the divine mercy.. and washing and rinsing and wiping, etc. hahas.
no complaints.

i was watching this movie on either star movie of hbo.. and it was v interesting.
had some nice gospel tunes which realli struck some chords in my heart. very very nice lyrics. i've been playing it over and over in my head since then.. cos it's so in-line with the whole lent and Holy Thursday concepts.

He Still Loves Me
-Beyonce

Took me a while
But I'm finally here
So I just wanna testify
Make it crystal clear
See I've been picked out
To be picked on
talked bout outta me friends mouth
I've been beat down
Til he turned my life around
(turn my life around)

seems like I always fall short
of bein worthy
Cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me


I aint no superstar
The spotlight aint shinin on me
(no no no no no)
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me
Loves me

(Beyonce)
I used to wake up somedays
and wish i'd stayed asleep
cuz i went to bed on top of the world
today the worlds on top of me
everybody's got opinions
(they share)
They aint been in my position
(they don't care)
that it breaks my heart when I hear what they
have to say about me yeah
(what they say)

seems like I always fall short (fallin short)
of bein worthy (Lord I aint worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough (no no)
but he still loves me (still loves me)

I aint no superstar
I wanna be for you
The spotlight aint shinin on me
(but i want to be for you)
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me

I'm not perfect
(I'm not perfect)
Yes I do wrong
(yes I do wrong)
I'm trying my best
(trying my best but)
But it aint good enough
(just aint good enough)
Shunned by the world
(shunned by the world)
If I don't succeed
Cuz I aint good
But he still loves me
(I just aint good enough)

If you aint worthy just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand
That we are all so blessed
To be loved, loved
stand for him or fall for anything
cuz through his eyes we all look the same
What will we do
Without out pain

Feels like we always fall short
Of bein worthy (we are not worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough
But he still loves me
I aint no superstar
(I aint no superstar but I wanna be for you Lord)
The spotlight aint shinin on me
Cuz I aint good enough
(Oh)
But you still love me

I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm tryin my best but
(tryin my best)
It aint good enough
(I'm not good enough)
Shunned be the word
(shunned by the world)
If i dont succeed
(i dont succeed-ceed-ceed)
Cuz I aint good enough
But he still loves me
(child sing with me)
I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm tryin my best but
It aint good enough
(But the Lord's been so good to me)
Shunned be the word
(Shunned by the world)
If i dont succeed
Cuz I aint good enough
(I aint good enough)
But he still loves me
(The Lord still loves me)

No I aint good enough
But He still loves me
(Raise your hands if ya understand)
No I aint good enough
(How he blessed you cuz he blessed you too)
but He still loves me
(even though I aint worthy)
No I aint good enough
(you aint worthy, He's there for you)
but He still loves me
(no matter what I do)
No I aint good enough
(I aint good enough)
but he still loves me
(but the Lord still loves me)

kkaes.. im sorrie i've like boldened huuge chunks of the song just about everywhere. just that the lyrics are so nice.. and the whole song is just so meaningful.

i've been trying to think about the thursday encounter in relation to what God's done for me, for all of us.

it's easy to know what god would do.. but to actually go ahead and do that.. is a totally different matter.
it's much much tougher.
but i HAVE been praying for graces for a loong loong time.
even before the Thursday encounter.

i prayed for the grace to be able to turn a blind eye to all of it, to not be so affected.
and since last week's encounter.. it's the onli constant thing i've been praying about everytime i come to church.
i know that i should forgive.
i know that i should be glad that she apologised.
i know that i should have let her hug me.

but i just couldn't.

this is the one major thing recently that's realli made me feel unworthy.
which is perhaps why the song above is striking such a chord with me.

how, just how did jesus sit on the table and know who was going to betray him and not do anything?
i know it sounds stupid and silly.. but in a very very minute way.. im getting a small taste of that.
every week.. i do just that - sit on the table with someone who knowingly betrayed me.
[and until last thursday.. i didn't actually noe how far she had betrayed me.]
and damn, i realli gotta sae that it's a DAMN DAMN DAMN sour, icky taste.
terribly hard to swallow.

i've decided.. after kneeling for what felt like forever at adoration tonight.. that im going to forgive her.
well, i HAVE to.
but even then.. i've told myself.. that it doens't matter.. when i manage to forgive her..
it's not going to be for the sake of our friendship, i've no interest in building that back up.
-im sorry.. i dont think i could tahan if you decide to gush about ur escapades, dates or problems with him.

it's going to be for God. my sacrifice for God. Because i know it's what he would want me to do.
and so that i can somehow feel a little more worthy when i stand before him, when i go up to receive Communion, or when i pray before him.

after these past at least 4/5 unpleasant months.. it is honestly about time to realli realli let go.
altho, honest to god, if not for her involvement in it all.. i would've perfectly let go a loong time ago.
but that wasn't part of the plan.
que sera sera.

the big picture

i went to a funeral mass todae.
i've never in my life ever cried so much for someone i didn't even noe.
but i couldn't help it.. it was all soo soo very sad.
i could feel the sadness of all the people around me.. the reader who had been crying.. the family members who struggled to hold back tears while giving their eulogies.. fr's homily and especially the poems her husband read out - one for himself and one on behalf of their newborn son.
the son who'll never get to meet his mother.
and when the eulogies came.. i swear i felt so stupid with every tear drop.. that i was crying without even noeing the person who had gone on before us all into heaven.

happens that news of this sad affair came on thursday.
that thursday. the thursday encounter.
in relation to such a tragedy.. what's my heart ache?

one in 30, 000.
no famliy deserves to have to suffer such a loss.
but well.. heaven's got a new lead choir conductor for all the angels.
listening to the choir singing all those lovely songs at the mass.. the full attendance of the mass.. the subtle yet completely brave show of cheer rather than sadness in the readings, the powerpoint presentation, the songs sung, the few bright coloured pple around.

from not even noeing who it was in the beginning.. to being reluctant to wake up that hour earlier to go for the mass.. after the mass i found myself wishing i could've gone to the crematorium. wishing i had known the person.
wondering what pple will say/feel when my turn comes.
wondering what things pple will have to say, who will make the eulogies, how i'll be remembered.

death does realli make you think.

and i watched "tuesdays with morrie" yest night.
it was lovely.
i also cried a lot. lol.
a good cry every now and then is good for you aniwae.
it aint a bad thing to be in touch with ur feelings.
nothing like pain or sadness to know that you can still feel.
i've got the book from mak-ko and im gonna read it. :D
tho im currently reading sme book called "the thornbirds".

mama got sick yest.
it was realli a scare.
im beginning to get mark's point in that one of the characteristics of his partner would be someone who would take care of him when/if hes bedridden.
[also after watching "tuesdays with morrie" and pek pek chwee's passing]

in this new big picture.. there are so many huge-r issues of life.. my heartache somehow seeems diminished in importance.. and i seem petty.
like a petulant little child making a fuss over the smallest fudge.
but it's good to feel small every now and then.
makes you learn to put things in perspective and re-think the way you look at things.

I LOVE MONDAYS.
for one simple reason.
ch 5 from 9pm - 12.30pm is my absolute bliss.
desperate housewives, grey's anatomy, scrubs.
[there's actually frasier after scrubs but by the time 12.30 comes.. i usually feel it's about time to close up shop]

i absolutely love grey's anatomy and scrubs.
the voice-overs have this certain wisdom in some of the things they tackle.
and both are relatively light.. but grey's anatomy pulls at the heart-strings and is a little more human. i feel like i could easily put myself in the shoes of the characters.. or feel the way they feel.
and scrubs is just plain hilarious.. the perfect way to end the night off.
light-hearted but still with touches of life lessons to be learnt.

i wanna go and get videos of grey's anatomy!!

back

i havne't been here in awhile.

im still not working.. but i've been relatively busy and well somewhat distracted.
and well, rather more distracted lately.

and i can't, dont and wont write abt all of it here.
because.. thoughts are sometimes best kept as they are.
because.. i dont want to explain and explain just to make an entry coherent and understandable.

it's been a crappy time lately.
as i think about it.. i noe.. pple have noticed my reactions and how affected i can get.
i noe.. i can't and dont hide my emotions or feelings well.
but as far as i can.. im not a hypocrite.. for whatever that's worth.
i can't cover up when im not happy about smth.
the most i can muster the strength to do is keep my mouth shut and keep quiet.

and as i think more about it.. it strikes me that it's such a trivial, stupid thing.
but at the same time.. even little things can hurt.

church group retreat proved a rather painful experience for me.
although it was rather good spiritually.. i also suffered quite a bit emotionally.
i noe smehow whenever i write i tend to make everything seem so dramatised. but yeah.. basically.. smth i totally should have expected.. but totally forgot to anticipate.. hit me right in the eyes.
and it was all very very hard for me to swallow.

and since then. hah.
i dont noe.

on the one hand.. im ashamed at how long i can hold a grudge and remain jealous and 'hateful'.
on the other hand.. im amazed that i have actually been able to keep quiet for this long.
but then again.. there's nothing to be proud about.. because im a transparent person aniwae. my behaviour was enough to give away how i felt.

forgiveness.
it's a funny thing.
as a catholic.. i believe that we have to forgive, just as we are forgiven.
i believe that.
but it must be one of the most difficult things to do.

after three months.. they decide they want to talk things out.
why the sudden motivation?
why the sudden mention of concern for me?
did you onli notice after three months?
just because i've been rather more affected lately?

there are so many things about it.. that just seem so.. un-genuine.
i noe that the most gracious thing to do wld just be to accept the apology and walk away.
but i still can't understand why.
why, after three months did the sudden need to talk things out come about.
im not a layered person.
i wear my emotions right there on my sleeve.
not necessarily where they should be.. but in plain sight for anyone to see.
i dont try to hide them. never have.
and even if i wanted to.. i've never been able to aniwae.

i'd like to think it was about me.
but honestly.. i dont believe it was.
it was about you and your guilt.

im sorry.. you cant hug me.

that one all-important word.. doesn't just erase everything.
and the explanation.. is long long long overdue.

you knew how i felt.
and you went ahead.
there and then you made your decision.
why the sudden need to look back now?
every decision has its consequences.. and you can't claim you went into it unknowingly.
you, of all pple, knew.
and did it onli hit you after 3 months that maybe our friendship's in trouble because of that decision you made?

how much did it realli mean to you?
because as far as im concerned.. once you made that decision.. you walked away from it.