need to blog

i D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E-L-Y neeeeeeeeeeeed to blog.

this is smth we call withdrawal symptoms.
holiday, songs, thoughts, reflections, feelings.. i can feel it all just under the brim.
just simmering, waiting for the right moment to flow over the lid.
kk.. i just need to pack, then maybe bathe.. then i'll come on and blog.

will hopefully b able to get in a decent entry before i go for 6pm mass.

time to go.

kkaes. its time to take a bath.

tried to change my layout. but i didnt like how it turned out so yeah, u're stuck with this same one. tood bad. hahas.
cannot rush lah. must find a nice one and personalise it nicely.

leaving at 12mn.
oh oh. i shall call smebody to wish an early happy birthday and then shall call charlene.

sighs. i WILL NOT have my fone.
i've got to leave it at home.

LOVE Y'ALL.
*mwa

pre-trip entry

okae, carolling's over already.
dell came and drea, AMUA and dame. we had a jolly good time. :)

my most favourite time of the year.
and the labour of all those days spent in the kitchen helping mama out in the dishes. :)

i still wish you would've come.
part of me wants to believe you when you say you dont want to cos u're not into the religious stuff.
another part of me thinks i must be stupid, its just a ANOTHER stupid excuse i accept.
in honest truth, it wasn't even superly religious u noe.
its more the food and chit chat than anything else.
and i told you as much.
but all the same.
oh well.

it was an.. interesting night.
HAHA..
DD. rofl.. maybe maybe.
i think they'd b good tgthr. haha.
we'll see. wait for fate to kick in. :0p
meanwhile.. i had a good laugh. :D

well.. since after A's.. time has been zooming past.

-prom's over.
all that madness in getting ready.
all the fun and picture taking.*ahem ahem*
the clubbing after.
now that, was REALLY smth. ;0p

-xmas tree's up.
all the decorations.
i've wrapped the presents i've managed to get for pple so far, they're all under the tree.
[which is well.. not as abundant with presents as previous years, cos this yr everything's been such a rush. 1st with all the major exams and then with the proms]
*looks like i may not get to write xmas cards this year. [nt enough time with all the trips and carolling]

-carolling's over.
all those almost whole days spent in the kitchen with mama.
chopping, washing, stirring and more chopping, washing and stirring.
haha. jolly good fun.
all the entertaining.

and the time of year has come again.
this is when all the standard qns and conversation types kick in.
here's a standard model for you.

"oh you finished A'Level's already arh?
oh.. then what are you going to do next year?
what course are you going to take?
arts or science?
oh okae. i see."

yada
yada
yada
da.

and chinese new yr too.

i'll b going ta e airport at 12mn tonight. :)
leaving for austria.
and i'll b back on the 21st.

and then prepare for church thailand trip.
christmas, maybe ms koh's wedding.. if she gets round to inviting us for the church reception.
then on the 26th i'll b heading to thailand for church trip till the 2nd of jan.

tralala.

kkaes.. maybe im not in a superly reflective mode cos im typing this in front of the tv.
last samurai was damn damn damn good.
and hmm, dont tell sis but i watched a bit of csi.
and now whose line is it anyway. rofl

i wanna put out a new layout.. and a tagboard. hmm..
:]

for me

this one MUST HAVE been written for me.

191
"Dont ask yourself what you did wrong or how you could have done it differently. Dont waste your valuable heart and mind trying to figure out why he did what he did. Or thinking back on all the things he said, and wondering what was the truth and what was the lie. The only thing you need to know is that its really good news: He's gone. Hallelujah."

and this one too.

192
"There's nothing worse, in dating terms, nothing worse, than that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when it looks like the guy you were seeing or getting to know has decided to bail on you instead of talking to you about it."
its looking like that again.
the sick feeling i've felt before, and feel again now.

and THIS (below), is my problem.

6
"We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great guy that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. WE try to come up with some explanation for why they're behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that's the truth: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME."
-story of my life.

can you now see, why i love this book?

lately

actually, i wanted to leave the previous entry as the top entry.. to be most emphatic. but oh well what the heck.

went ta snow city for a skiing lesson todae. :D
good grief.. it was -5.2 degrees lol. and ju and i thought it wldn't b thaat cold. haha.

so well, i screamed, fell, butt-slid and yeah.
did just about everything one can do.
so there.. i am semi-prepared to attempt to ski in austria.

the past few days have been somewhat tiring.
well, yeah, prom's over.. [and i'll have you noe i ached ALL over after clubbing and it took awhile to regain slp, think i still hanve't regained all of it]..

but there's carolling to prepare for.
been helping mama in the kitchen.
and then there's the trip to austria.. for which i've gathered my warmer clothings, but have not had the time to actually pack.
and then there's the attempt to help coordinate church stuff as well.

everything is so rushed.
im very not prepared.
oh well.
meanwhile im praying about everything.. cos everything seems so.. rocky. sme not turning out the way i thought they would, sme not flowing as smoothly as i would like.. sme not flowing at all anymore.

im not sure if i'll get to write again anytime soon.
or if i'll b able to get internet connection in austria.
all the same.. i'll miss everybody.

disappointment

sigh.
i feel so jaded now.

jra: first the himbo reply to trying to get you out for haagen daz. and then your not coming to carolling cos it "really aint" your "kinda thing". i swear, i've had it. total letdown.

you not coming for carolling..
its onli the disappointment of the Y-E-A-R.

i noe the connection's gone.
ur anti-social ways..
and i rmbr i mentioned carolling to you a long time ago, and at tt point you expressed tt you'd like to come.. and asked if grandma cooked buah keluak.

"really aint" your "kinda thing" pls dont bullshit me.
i already said, you dont even hafta sing if you dont want to.
but it doesn't matter, its not realli about that, is it?

and i thought maybe just maybe, a proper chance might surface after the A's.
but no.

i swear i must be jaded.

another one.. just like well, all the guys i've liked before.. JUST NOT THAT INTO ME.
damn.
and just when i began to hope again.
damn.

therapy

my latest therapy buy.

he's just not that into you
by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

yeah yeah it may sound like a cheesy title. but forget that, its got a lot of good stuff in there which helps me in 3 main ways.
1) to keep 'sober'
2) to understand a lil more
3) to urge me to move on.

of course, no.3 is proving a toughie, we are still in the process of that. but yeah.
its covers excuses i've thought about and feelings i've felt.

sure, its not an answer to all the problems per se.
but its helping to give me a "daily wake up call".

little needle-like pricks just to remind me that this guy aint worth it.
that i shld just accept that nothing's happening and let it go.

found this one, applicable to darth vader, jra [and to a lesser extent ssr]
17
"A man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you that he's just not that into you."

in particular, this one regarding darth vader,
118
The "But I Just Want an Answer" Excuse
Do you deserve to know what happened? Yes. But unfortunately for you, I can tell you what happened. You were dating the worst person in the world.
Nothing he could possibly say will be satisfying to you. But what will be satisfying is if you dont spent another moment of your energy on him."
-and im glad that i dont anymore. forget about ever trying to talk to me.

and this one, definitely.
when i used to wish i hadn't asked him online but face to face and wldve had the chance to thrash it out smehow. or when the prom serviette idea came up.
187
The "But Can't I at Least Yell at Him?" Excuse
In the short term it might feel good to call someone and yell at him. But in the long run, you will have wished that you had not given him that much credit for ruining your life. Or even your day."

since the day i bought it.. i flip thru the pgs every now and then.
and gain little tokens of wisdom.
waste of money? not to me.

with every relevant, applicable read, a little hope dies inside.
and well, with me, that's not such a bad thing.. cos left on its own, it would never die at all.

prom- come and gone

wow.. kk i noe, i noe, i owe lotsa entries. i'll try to do this as quickly as possible.. which shall be very hard, cos believe me.. as usual, i've plenty to say.

first up, this is the prom entry.
PROM IS OVER.
i can barely believe it.

the running around to get accessories, make up, the fuss with mum.. the scuffles abt alterations etc.
the wonderful hair i got done at shunji matsuo.
shall officially make them my hair-dresser frm now on.
must get the name of that gal stylist. she was realli realli nice. :]

prom was ok. besides stepping on my dress and ripping it a bit.
[thnx to mum's ideas to alter it such tt it touches the floor. otherwise it'll be "floating in the air" she claimed. well.. there we go, had it ur wae.. and i've got a hole now. oh well.

food was okae, mc was err.. ok lah.. and games were err kinda crappy?.. but well.. no matter, nobody was realli paying attention. everybody was just going around taking pictures and talking and having a great time.

i am pretty proud of myself.
got the balls to take pics with the guys i've ever felt any inkling of anything for.
cept for one whom i cldn't find, but tt one's realli far-gone.. its ok.
and darth vader, whom i just hate.

and there was a glamour shot thingy!!.. :D
dell, rah and i did the charlie's angel pose. rofl. gotta meet up sme dae and go down there to try and get tt pic.
LOL

and after prom was over. went back to the room, changed and then we came down and got into a cab to china black. :)
I WENT CLUBBING FOR THE FIRST TIME.

k yes, this is the suaku-ness in me.
haha.. no matter.. i went with a whole bunch of first-timers aniwae. and 'sides.. im legal, wad's ur problem? rofl. mum of cos didn't noe.. altho i did tell dad, van n mak-ko.

wow.. tt was a real experience man. damn damn fun. :D
and dell and rah were there too so i was dancing with them at sme points and dancing with the t9-ers at sme points. i had so much fun.
nvr knew i could dance.
and apparently.. char thought i was drunk cos i was dancing to sexily. lol.. wasn't drunk lah.. i barely had a few sips of the drinks they got. just realli liked the dancing. and she didn't noe i cld dance, and neither did i. haha :P
when are we next going??

altho im told that normal clubbing isn't the same as a sch party.
sigh. aiyah.. not like i was trying ta dance w/chat up sme guys lah.. was jus having fun, dancing in a group with the gals.. t9-ers or dell and rah. :D

so that was till about 4am.
then went back to the room ended up chatting with jaimes and wing cos the rest went out for a snack.
then they came back and we chatted smemore for awhile.
slept arnd 7am and woke up arnd 9am-ish.
then we all went for bfast at LJS.

*its a pity sme pple weren't at chinablack.
for both impressing and snubbing purposes.
a pity.

jra: tt's it. this time, im listening to the instincts.
the slow distancing.. im beginning to feel it now. the devaju i dreaded.
nice and still on talking terms, but nth else, and neither does the scope for anything else seem wide enough now.
at one point in time, maybe.. there was the possibility, but now i see, this one's just another dead end.
but that picture i took with you.. sigh.
i had thought.. maybe.
onli i thought wrong, once more.

ssr: reading ur blog. i almost wish i had spent prom with the shooters. almost.
but, they didn't go clubbing. and i dunno.. i had fun with e t9-ers and dell n rah and wldn't have changed tt in any wae. its wierd to read about you trying to ask for sme girl's no. it doesnt hurt, its just wierd.
but well.. i've taken another pic with you and im glad you were smiling this time.
and now i shall probably never see you again. well, we'll see wd god has planned.

darth vader: daoed you the whole night. did you expect anything less? just count urself lucky tt i didn't carry out the prom serviette idea. decided to be gracious and that it would be too much. and 'sides, why shld i give you tt satisfaction in any indication that i still hurt over you? i dont. not in any true sense.