a new beginning

hi everybody.

i've got a brand new blog. :)

and i forgot how to add links. lol


so anyway.. here's the add.. jus copy and paste kkaes.
http://cher-smile4me.blogspot.com

--

i take it all back.

i was reading my 'Our Daily Bread' before i went to sleep yesterday.
and it was about.. living life as it it were your last day on earth.
and it mentioned.. doing things you had been putting off and that kind of thing.

and i believe [if i rmbr correctly] it said:

what are the five things you would do.. if this were your last day on earth?

here's what came to mind:
-go to church/pray
-resolve relations with a friend
-spend time with my best friend
-spend time with family

but what i'd like to know.. is how.. are you really supposed to find the energy, strength, zest..
to live each day out as if it were your last.

some days.. i like myself.. cos i think about how the whole day's gone, what's happened and all.. and it was wonderful. perhaps, not always exactly the way i planned it.. but still.. wonderful.

other days.. i hate myself.. cos i let myself lose it [temper] and sent bad vibes to everyone around me which in turn put them in bad moods.. and it was awful, terrible, disastrous.
definitely, not the way i planned it.

i think im going to paste smth on my wall.. [in such a position that it's the first thing i see when i sit up in bed in the morning]

'THANK GOD FOR TODAY"

maybe that will work? maybe.

--
mum's right.
and im wrong.
just like usual.

and yes.. mum's do always push.

smetimes.. i wonder where i'd be if she didn't/hadn't pushed me.
other times.. i wish she wld just leave me be and let me have some space to breathe for awhile.

and the worse.. is when one person pushes. and then others get involved.. and start asking about the whole thing.. and then take sides.. [and obviously.. dont take your side].. and then they start nagging and pushing too. when all you want to do.. is not talk about it and not have to explain it to smeone who won't understand anyway -which is why you didn't tell tt person in the first place.

whoo. okay. it's off my chest.

--

i can't find a song. till further notice.

i let go.. but all i wanted was to hold on

did you know.. for the absolute longest time..
i kept going to your blog to read your entries..
to see if i could get the slightest clue as to what happened?

i was hurt.
and i wrote numerous entries about it in another blog..
that nobody reads. intentionally.

then that day that i found that little para.. which you put in black font to hide..
i felt so sad. and guilty. and taken aback.
and i no longer had the guts, the face to do anything.

then i sent a msg (cheesy as it sounded).. to try to reconcile..
and i waited. and waited.
then i found that line/para -can't rmbr if it was hidden
that you didn't noe how to reply.
oh i was pissed.

it didn't feel fair.
i felt angry.. i felt i cld've used a friend..
i felt i was putting myself out there..
but you weren't willing.

and then.. as time passed and i thought more about it..
i finally realised.. how selfish i'd been.
i asked more of you than i should have..
and i was never able to give back.

it amazes me.. how long it's been..
and the fact that im still in one piece.
realli.. i thank god for css.
at the very least.. in your absence.. He gave me a community to belong to.
one that gave me so much.. and which i've been trying to give back to too.

i mellowed.
forced myself to push it all to the recesses of my mind.
forced myself to stop dramatising.. to believe that things like these happen all the time..
to lots of people.
that somehow.. this was a part of His plan.
as unfair as it seemed.

still.. it's not the same.
over css arts retreat.. when we were doing a session on community
i realised.. i dont have any particularly strong links/connection with anybody in the community not the way that i used to have with you
i realised.. i no longer have a dependable lifeline..
that for the most part..
i've been trying to go it alone.. plus a little support from the community.

there was a time when all i wanted was an explanation
there was a time when all i wanted was to make things right

that time has passed.
i dont know what's come over me.
but i've let go of a lot.
and smehow.. reading that apology the other day..
i just.. felt so relieved.

but seriously..
you confuse me to no end.
i wish you'd stop pushing pple away from you.
focus.. yes.. god is the most important.
but there are people around you for a reason.
they're angels and messengers from god..
they're a community of pple which supports each other.

i dont noe what's up with me today.
my mood is weird.
and i dont like the entry that's forming.
maybe tmr i'll delete it and write a better one.


you're not all i have.
but for a long time.. you were the person i felt most at home with.

so.. a song.

"You're all I have" - snow patrol

Train this chaos turn it into light
I've got to see you one last night
Before the lions take their share
Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere

Just give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cause you are all that I have

You're cinematic razor sharp
A welcome arrow through the heart
Under your skin feels like home
Electric shocks on aching bones

Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cause you are all that I have
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cause you are all that I have

There is a darkness deep in you
A frightening magic I cling to

Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear now you are all that I have
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear now you are all that I have

msg to you

i dont noe why im here.
i have a paper tmr.

perhaps. i just felt that i wanted to get a msg out to you.
if you still even read here.

it's been forever since i last talked to you.
im fortunate.. in the absence of you.. there's been css to help with my spiritual life... and some new uni friends and char of cos.

but from time to time.. i still wonder how you're doing.
i read ur blog every now and then.
but that's just a vague glimpse into your life.

i realise now.. [i noe it's taken me forever. im sorry]
that i was quite lousy as a friend.
i took more than i cld give back.

and i expected you to always be there.
and smehow.. when you weren't.. i cldn't bring myself to understand.
i had wanted to try and be there for you. but you didn't want to let me in.
and for sme reason.. that hurt me.
and i tried to push the door open more.
that probably drove you away.

[you were always the better listener you noe.
i tried to be there for you too.
but you were always too complicated. far too complicated.
i know i was prolly never able to help you much
but it hurt when you shut me out]

if i pushed too hard and too much..
part of it.. was because i didn't want to lose the friend i had in you
but i've realised.. that the pushing probably caused
me to lose the friend i had in you
all the same.

when pple ask for time and/or space.. you noe that there's no hope of salvation.
for a long time.. i was angry cos i felt you were selfish in not wanting to try and build the friendship back.
for awhile.. as time and distance grew even further.. i found the anger fading.. and realised that i had been the selfish one.
and as even more time passed.. im sad to say.. im more willing to accept the dead end that the friendship has come to than to try and build it back.
because im scared to confront all the issues. because there's too much time and distance to cover.
but mostly because.. sadly.. i dont think things cld ever be the same.

at least this way..
i have memories. the good ones.
of all the times we were there for each other.. and you were there for me.
and fun times the whole grp used to have tgthr.

but i'll always wonder..
did i hurt you that badly?
i truly am sorry.

come May.. it'll have been about a year.
if im not wrong.
i think that's when i started to notice the distance.

and i think of how long it's been.. and i go back to wondering..
did i hurt you that badly?

--

god bless you dear..
in all that you do.

dont despair that you can't leave pple be
you may not hear it often
[cos pple are often stubborn and selfish - like i was/am]
but deep down inside..
they'll appreciate that you never gave up on them.

it's a gift, not a curse
He's using you as his instrument.

--
i dont noe what im writing anymore.
tempted to scrap the whole entry.
but heck.. it's already typed out.

--
someday... i hope you'll forgive me.

time.

hi, to whoever who cares to come here.

wonder if pple have tried checking here.
sorry. my bad.

its been a long time since i last blogged here.

i apologise.. im closing this blog down i think.
well- not close it down per se, just wont b blogging here anymore.

there is a certain strain in blogging smetimes.. because basically im one of those people who needs to pour things out.
no correction, read - pour EVERYTHING out.

sme of my friends can readily tell you how awful i am in that sense.
they'll never hear the end of it once they ask me to spill to them.
[perhaps that is why ...]

and because i've come to see that there are some things which i want to be able to blog about and express and let out without having to worry about pple thinking/noeing that im talking about them and taking offence or wadeva.
so i have discovered the merits of perfect anonymity.

so absolute apologies.. i no longer blog for the world to see.
there was once a time when i blogged and blogged and blogged. like every little bit of free time i had.
and i used to love the whole blogging idea.. interacting and everything.
but now.. with the hectic-ness of uni life.. there isn't enough time for any of that anymore.

i barely even watch enough tv - time for myself is scarce as can be.
my onli constant is grey's on monday nites.. [which smetimes have to get taped cos im not free to watch it.]

if you want to know the lowdown on my life.. ask me.
if you'd want to noe.. u must surely noe me.
and if you noe me.. you'll noe how to contact me. my contacts haven't changed.

--
msg to smeone.

there was a time when i thought we would be friends forever.
there was a time when i thought you knew how much you meant to me,
dear friend.
and what i would give anything to try and be the friend you were to me.

there was a time.. when we had the time for each other.
to catch up every once in awhile.
but you
no longer have time for me. [and anyone else either, you apparently claim]

but im not going to waste anymore time or energy
judging that claim.
it isn't mine to judge.

and life is only moving forward,
as it often does.
people change.
and those we think we'll have as friends
forever,
dont always stay.

people come and people go.
it's a fact of life.
i once heard a saying or smth which said that
what counts is the footprints that they leave.

since i know not how to re-establish contact with you
in any proper way..
i'd just like to say..

thank you for being the friend you were to me.
it must have been tough on you.
thank you. for all the times.
i hope you'll have a wonderful life.

no, i noe you will.
god wll surely bless you.
--

and further, at the back of my mind..
i'll always wonder to myself..

if it was cos you felt
that i took you for granted.
or that i talked about myself
and my problems
too much.

nonetheless.. time has taken its toll on our friendship.
[that and the hectic-ness of life.]
as other [friendships] before our's
have suffered.

i wish you well.
dear friend.
smehow, sme time, sme day..
if it's meant to be
perhaps you'll be a part of my life
again.

till then.
--

cheerios everybody.
i blog now onli in perfect anonymity.
and im sorry, it's private.

see you online.
or in person smetime soon i hope.
-cher.
signing off here for the last time.
ciao.

believe me

Chorus
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

I don't want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playin 'em
I'm just sayin
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that

Now you've gotta face the pain
And the devil's got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hand
Now I don't really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
And whatever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen to me

:Chorus:

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt
But it's not gonna work
Cause it's really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something you were not And now this guilt is really all that I got

Uh
You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
And hear my voice in your head when no one else is around
So what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
And whatever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen to me

:Chorus:

Instrumental Break

:Chorus:

I'll do what i have to do
You're on your own now believe me

Whatever happend to you?
You're on your own now believe me

What do I have to say?
You're on your own now believe me

It's not gonna happen to me
You're on your own now believe me

better late than never

well well.. i noe lent's just ended.. but i was just thinking.
i never actually managed to really make any sacrifice during lent, as we're kind of supposed to do.
-i couldn't stop going clubbing
-i couldn't stop swearing
-i couldn't stop being selfish

but it's never too late to make sacrifices and chip in that little extra bit for lent yeah.
this past week i've been shuttling from home to church to bbdc.. or home to bbdc to church. been helpingout with the preparations for holy week.
i've actually done more chores in church than i have at home now.
ironing cloths for the adoration and the divine mercy.. and washing and rinsing and wiping, etc. hahas.
no complaints.

i was watching this movie on either star movie of hbo.. and it was v interesting.
had some nice gospel tunes which realli struck some chords in my heart. very very nice lyrics. i've been playing it over and over in my head since then.. cos it's so in-line with the whole lent and Holy Thursday concepts.

He Still Loves Me
-Beyonce

Took me a while
But I'm finally here
So I just wanna testify
Make it crystal clear
See I've been picked out
To be picked on
talked bout outta me friends mouth
I've been beat down
Til he turned my life around
(turn my life around)

seems like I always fall short
of bein worthy
Cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me


I aint no superstar
The spotlight aint shinin on me
(no no no no no)
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me
Loves me

(Beyonce)
I used to wake up somedays
and wish i'd stayed asleep
cuz i went to bed on top of the world
today the worlds on top of me
everybody's got opinions
(they share)
They aint been in my position
(they don't care)
that it breaks my heart when I hear what they
have to say about me yeah
(what they say)

seems like I always fall short (fallin short)
of bein worthy (Lord I aint worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough (no no)
but he still loves me (still loves me)

I aint no superstar
I wanna be for you
The spotlight aint shinin on me
(but i want to be for you)
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me

I'm not perfect
(I'm not perfect)
Yes I do wrong
(yes I do wrong)
I'm trying my best
(trying my best but)
But it aint good enough
(just aint good enough)
Shunned by the world
(shunned by the world)
If I don't succeed
Cuz I aint good
But he still loves me
(I just aint good enough)

If you aint worthy just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand
That we are all so blessed
To be loved, loved
stand for him or fall for anything
cuz through his eyes we all look the same
What will we do
Without out pain

Feels like we always fall short
Of bein worthy (we are not worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough
But he still loves me
I aint no superstar
(I aint no superstar but I wanna be for you Lord)
The spotlight aint shinin on me
Cuz I aint good enough
(Oh)
But you still love me

I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm tryin my best but
(tryin my best)
It aint good enough
(I'm not good enough)
Shunned be the word
(shunned by the world)
If i dont succeed
(i dont succeed-ceed-ceed)
Cuz I aint good enough
But he still loves me
(child sing with me)
I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm tryin my best but
It aint good enough
(But the Lord's been so good to me)
Shunned be the word
(Shunned by the world)
If i dont succeed
Cuz I aint good enough
(I aint good enough)
But he still loves me
(The Lord still loves me)

No I aint good enough
But He still loves me
(Raise your hands if ya understand)
No I aint good enough
(How he blessed you cuz he blessed you too)
but He still loves me
(even though I aint worthy)
No I aint good enough
(you aint worthy, He's there for you)
but He still loves me
(no matter what I do)
No I aint good enough
(I aint good enough)
but he still loves me
(but the Lord still loves me)

kkaes.. im sorrie i've like boldened huuge chunks of the song just about everywhere. just that the lyrics are so nice.. and the whole song is just so meaningful.

i've been trying to think about the thursday encounter in relation to what God's done for me, for all of us.

it's easy to know what god would do.. but to actually go ahead and do that.. is a totally different matter.
it's much much tougher.
but i HAVE been praying for graces for a loong loong time.
even before the Thursday encounter.

i prayed for the grace to be able to turn a blind eye to all of it, to not be so affected.
and since last week's encounter.. it's the onli constant thing i've been praying about everytime i come to church.
i know that i should forgive.
i know that i should be glad that she apologised.
i know that i should have let her hug me.

but i just couldn't.

this is the one major thing recently that's realli made me feel unworthy.
which is perhaps why the song above is striking such a chord with me.

how, just how did jesus sit on the table and know who was going to betray him and not do anything?
i know it sounds stupid and silly.. but in a very very minute way.. im getting a small taste of that.
every week.. i do just that - sit on the table with someone who knowingly betrayed me.
[and until last thursday.. i didn't actually noe how far she had betrayed me.]
and damn, i realli gotta sae that it's a DAMN DAMN DAMN sour, icky taste.
terribly hard to swallow.

i've decided.. after kneeling for what felt like forever at adoration tonight.. that im going to forgive her.
well, i HAVE to.
but even then.. i've told myself.. that it doens't matter.. when i manage to forgive her..
it's not going to be for the sake of our friendship, i've no interest in building that back up.
-im sorry.. i dont think i could tahan if you decide to gush about ur escapades, dates or problems with him.

it's going to be for God. my sacrifice for God. Because i know it's what he would want me to do.
and so that i can somehow feel a little more worthy when i stand before him, when i go up to receive Communion, or when i pray before him.

after these past at least 4/5 unpleasant months.. it is honestly about time to realli realli let go.
altho, honest to god, if not for her involvement in it all.. i would've perfectly let go a loong time ago.
but that wasn't part of the plan.
que sera sera.